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“12 Years A Slave” And “American Hustle” Win Big At 2014 Golden Globes


The Golden Globes were held last night in LA and all of Hollywood was out in their best finery to congratulate themselves on how awesome they are. The biggest winners in the film world were the epic 12 Years a Slave and American Hustle, also known as the movie where Bradley Cooper has a perm. Jennifer Hudson won for best supporting actress while wearing a dress that reminded me of when my sisters used to dress their Barbie dolls up in napkins and rubber bands. In the TV categories, Breaking Bad won several awards in the dramatic genre while Brooklyn 99, (inexplicably), won best comedy series and best comedy actor in a TV series for ‘ol dick in a box himself, Andy Samberg. I don’t know if you’ve seen that show but it is the comedy equivalent of getting punched in the testicles by a toddler. I’m not sure who they bribed/and or slept with but some favors were definitely exchanged. The only big Latino winner was Alfonso Cuaron winning best director for his groundbreaking chick stuck in space movie Gravity. The highlight of the evening, for me anyway, was that Girlsand its creator Lena Dunham won no awards. I hate them both so hard and so completely that it’s starting to worry my friends and family.

The broadcast itself was pretty blah. The jokes weren’t that funny even though it was hosted by the great Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, (who won best female in a comedy series for Parks and Recreation). Jacqueline Bissette’s rambling speech reminded me of this crazy woman on the 3 train that carries a cat around in a shopping bag. Emma Thompson was frat party after homecoming level drunk, which in a middle aged English woman is endearing. There was one really good joke at the expense of Leo DiCaprio, (who won best actor in a dramatic movie for Wolf of Wall Street). Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler said, “Like a supermodel’s vagina let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio”. That’s solid. The rest of the night was spent watching people try and get on stage from the nosebleed seats without tripping and busting their asses. All in all it was better than watching an ALFmarathon but not as good as it could have been. I wish they would just let Fey and Poehler off the leash and let them do what they do better than anyone else: make fun of the way the entertainment industry really is.

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