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5 Punishments Manuel Noriega Should Receive Instead Of House Arrest

Dictator Manuel Noriega has been sent back to Panama to serve out a life sentence. He was convicted in absentia in Panama on murder, drug trafficking, extortion, corruption, and being really really ugly charges. The rumor is that he will probably serve out his term under house arrest. House arrest?! This guy was a murdering psychopath! Sure, he used to be American intelligence’s murdering psychopath, but that’s no excuse. We think he needs to pay for his crimes. No, not kill him. That would be too easy. Here are 5 punishments Manuel Noriega should receive.

Forced To Bikini Wax The Cast Members of “The Jersey Shore”

Oh yes. Talk about a fate worse than death. Remember, those people are Italians and Italians = hairy. He has to look the gaping maw that dwells within the Lycra pants of Snooki and the other three chicks and make them look “presentable”. He also has to do the guys. A year of waxing The Situation’s situation, and he’ll hang himself in his cell.

Has To Listen To Mannheim Steamroller Fifteen Hours A Day

Nothing is worse about the holiday season than how often you hear Mannheim Steamroller. This syntho-new age crap is all over the place. I’m sitting at a bookstore writing this and they have their Christmas CD on. It’s making me question what kind of God would allow something like that to exist? Manuel would feel the same way. 15 hours a day of the Steamroller. The other hours are filled with the golden sounds of Yanni.

Forced To Do Proactiv Commercials For All Time

Those Proactiv acne medicine commercials are on every two minutes these days. Who better to advertise it than the person with the worst skin in human history? My grandfather worked at a leper colony in Cuba and he said their faces looked better than Noriega’s. He has to come out and talk about using Proactiv every day, but how it didn’t work because even the medicine knows he’s an a-hole. When he dies, he has to be stuffed and turned into a puppet to keep making the commercials. With Bieber.

Has To Write A “Sorry” Letter To The Family Of Everyone He Killed

It’s only right. You write thank you notes to people after your wedding, why not “I’m sorry I killed your husband in 1983” cards? The list is long, but he has to write every single one by hand. We can get him some stationary with puppies on it or something to lessen the blow. He’s going to get carpal tunnel so bad.

Has To Star In A Sitcom With Dave Coulier

Imagine living the hell that poor John Stamos and Bob Saget had to endure for 8 years. It had to have been like living in a prison camp where instead of doing manual labor, you have to listen to Coulier do his Mr. Woodchuck impression for years. In the show, Manuel and Dave run a failing dry cleaning business. Every week, Coulier and Noriega have to figure out a way to keep the shop running, but keep getting into wacky situations. It will be called, “Hot Under The Collar”. After a season of listening to Coulier do Popeye impressions, Manuel will take a razor blade and open each individual vein on his arms.

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