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5 Things They Should Sell On The “Silk Road” Website

I told you today about the capture of notorious cyber baddie Ross William Ulbricht who runs the illicit trade website Silk Road. This place is a one stop shop for drugs, guns, and all kinds of other naughty goings on. With his capture the future of the site is in jeopardy. Why don’t normal people like me know about stuff like this until it’s too late? Sure, the most illegal thing I’ve ever done is a few parking tickets and jay walking, but still. I’d like to have the option to order illegal things in my boxers from the comfort of my couch. I wouldn’t know how to go about getting a kilo of heroin if my life depended on it. But I wonder if you can really get anything there? Here is a list of five things we think should be sold on Silk Road.

A Finger

I’m not exactly sure why someone would need a finger but it would be nice to know you could order one from a secure site. Maybe if you kidnap someone and you want to intimidate the family into paying the ransom but you don’t want to actually hurt the person. I mean, just because you’re a kidnapper doesn’t necessarily make you a murderer or a finger-cutter-offer. It would also be nice if the fingers came in a variety of colors for different occasions. Makes great Halloween decorations too!


Sure, they are endangered but so was the Twinkie for a while and that didn’t stop people from stockpiling them. I just want a panda so I can take it to the dog run. “Oh, you have a pure bred poodle? That’s nice, I HAVE A FRIGGIN’ PANDA!” Sure, it would be hard to find bamboo for it to eat in New York City. Maybe it likes kale. I can get some nice organic kale from Trader Joe’s for my panda pet.

A Date With Daenerys Targaryen

No, not Emilia Clarke who plays Daenerys on Game of Thrones, I mean Daenerys Stormborn, mother of dragons. “But, Jack she’s not real.” I understand that, I’m not stupid. I would accept Emilia Clarke but only if she wears the Daenerys costume and she can never break character. I would play Khal Drogo…a fat Cuban Khal Drogo.

A Gun That Shoots Other Guns

OK, what is more dangerous than a gun? More Guns! But it’s bulky to carry an arsenal with you. But if you had a gun that shot smaller guns? Then your target would be shot and pistol whipped simultaneously. Think about what a hit you would be at the next NRA meeting with a gun that shoots other friggin’ guns! Ted Nugent would bow down and kiss your feet, (if you’re into that sort of thing).

A Lightsaber

All my life I’ve wanted two things: pie and a lightsaber. I’ve had the pie, but science has never given the world a lightsaber. Why not? I’m convinced they exist in some secret government lab and if this Ulbricht guy can get anything, then I want a lightsaber! If it doesn’t already exist he needs to figure out how to build one for me. “But how do you keep the plasma beam both stable and finite?” I don’t know, Ulbricht. Just get me a blue lightsaber with a Ben Kenobi handle double quick. Do you take Paypal?

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