According to the ancient Mayan calendar, a year from today we will all be dead. The Maya predicted that the end of the current cycle of time will end exactly at midnight on December 21, 2012. On that day, the great feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl will return to destroy the Earth. So, on December 22nd, 2012, the Earth will be a barren lifeless wasteland. There is no escaping this. I’m sure that some rednecks in Mississippi will take some shots at Quetzalcoatl with their Walmart purchased rifles, but to no avail. The great winged god cannot be killed with conventional weapons. The army will be powerless to save you. So, forget the New Years resolutions you are going to make in a few days. What you need to figure out is what to do with your last year on Earth. It’s like we’ve all received the news that we have terminal cancer and have only a year to live. Only instead of cancer, it’s an ancient Mesoamerican god that’s gonna kill your ass dead. Here is a list of 5 things I’m doing.
I think small gestures go a long way. If I go to the printing store and get a nice t-shirt to welcome the god of birth and destruction, I think he’d appreciate it. He’s still going to kill me, I can’t stop that. But maybe he’ll take pity on me and instead of roasting me in the fires of his breath, he’ll step on me and kill me instantly. Burning to death has got to hurt.
Look, I’m not spending my last year getting myself beer from the fridge. It’s about time that those lazy beasts earn their keep. Sure, they have no opposable thumbs, so it’s a little harder. But if those two can get in the laundry hamper, take out one of my socks, and hide it underneath the couch, they can get me a beer.
I mean, come on. There is going to be a whole lot of copulating in the streets. Why not? If we are all going to die anyway, who cares about the consequences? What’s the worse that can happen? Your girlfriend is going to get mad? First off, she isn’t going to have time to yell at you before being engulfed in flames. Secondly, she can go ahead and do the deed with other dudes as well. It’s only fair. iTunes’ server is going to crash from all the people downloading Barry White albums. Oh, yeah.
There’s…something in my eye…don’t look at me! “And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon. When you coming home dad? I don’t know when…we’ll be together then. You know we’ll have a good time then.”
Perhaps this one is going give me bad karma. Maybe I should practice forgiveness so I can go to heaven, get a positive reincarnation, or go to my fiery demise at peace. Or maybe, it would be justice. The great serpent god might even applaud my actions with his razor sharp talons. After all, he’s destroying the Earth as punishment for our sins. So, Gonzalez…watch your back. You made 7th grade suck.