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A Latino’s Survival Guide To An Alien Invasion


Let’s face it: aliens exist. Our universe is too big for Earth to be the only planet with intelligent life in it. And, if there are aliens out there, there’s also a strong possibility that one of these days, they’ll make contact with us. It may or may not be friendly, which is why it’s important that you’re prepared. Below, we’ve compiled the ultimate Latino survival guide should an alien invasion occur.

Don’t Be A Part Of The Welcoming Committee

If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that the first people usually killed during an alien invasion are the ones who openly welcome them. Therefore, if you see an ominous looking spaceship, don’t go to the tallest building in your city with a sign that says “Abduct Me!” or “Welcome!” because rest assured, you’re ass is grass. When these suckahs from out of space come a-knockin’, be as far away from them as possible.

Befriend Them

This one’s a bit trickier and almost seems to go against the first point, but the fact is, not all extraterrestrial creatures are bad. Sometimes they just end up crashing here and need someone to help them get back home. Whether it be E.T. or Jeff Bridges in Starman, dude probably just wants to go home. Also, if you need a topic of conversation to bond over, just say that in this country, you– as a Latino– are also seen as an alien and foreign threat.

Don’t Be Danny Trejo

As awesome as it might seem to be Danny Trejo in real life, chances are that dude will be the first one to go. This is a very short list of the movies his character has been killed in: DesperadoFrom Dusk Till Dawn, XXX, Predators, etc. Hell, if it weren’t for the fact that he was the titular character in Machete, we’d pretty sure that he’d be dead in that movie too.

Food

Luckily for Latinos, should an alien invasion occur, finding sustenance should be no problem. If it can be killed/gathered, covered in batter, and deep-fried, we’re definitely going to eat it. Examples: barbacoa (cow cheek), rabo de vaca (cow tail), molsillas (pig intestines), pig feet, tripas (tripe)… you get the picture.

Acquire The Biggest Huarache/Sandal You Can Find

The Alien saga, Starship Troopers, District 9. What do all of these films have in common? Insect-like aliens. Sure, you can probably fend them off with some Raid or Off!, but you’re Latino. You don’t play like that. If it’s bugs that you’re going to kill, it’s going to be with a chanclazo.

When All Else Fails, Fight Back

Hey, you’ve tried everything, right? They may be bigger and more scientifically advanced than us (because of that whole “space travel” thing), but the fact is, Earth is still our home and it must be defended. Whether it be via the common cold (War Of The Worlds), water (Signs), or heavy guns (Battle: Los Angeles), aliens can be defeated. At this point, it’s either you or them.

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