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Apple Announces iPhone 4S, We Wait For It To Become Obsolete


by Lucas Molandes

Today Apple revealed, among other things, the details surrounding its new iPhone 4s. If you’re like me, you’re not a technophobe, you’re just poor. I’m hoping the release of this device means I’ll finally be able to afford an iPhone 3. I’m currently rocking the “classic” Nokia 6030 – a phone that is as popular in third-world countries as bags of relief rice. While there’s some form of pride in having an old phone, I admit I do look at smart phones like I look at pretty women in the hands of other people. “Why is that phone with that person,” I ask myself.

Enough of my lamenting. Here are a few quick bits surrounding the iPhone 4s:

Just like my blow-up dolls, the phone will only come in black and white. These are great colors if you’re into old timey television or color blind. It will be available on Oct 14, so if you’re a deadbeat parent looking to buy the love of your spiteful child, you may want to start standing in line some time yesterday.

Thanks to an upgrade in something called a “chip”, whatever that is, the iPhone 4s will be several times faster than your dumb iPhone 4. One of the benefits to this chip upgrade is that it will increase the battery-life (a common complaint among disgruntled housewives trying to make use of some alone time). So now you’ll have nearly 8 to talk to someone while ignoring the person you’re actually hanging out with. Also, the battery can support up to 6 hours of Internet browsing, which means you’ll have a longer period of time to know that no one cares about your latest Facebook update.

The camera has been boosted to 8 MP which means now you can hate and delete higher quality photos of yourself. Also, the video recording comes in at 1080p, which is great for capturing homeless men licking their shoes in all its HD (hobo delusional) glory.


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Capitalizing on their acquisition of the Siri personal assistant software, you will now be able to talk down to your phone. Seriously, Siri acts like Kit from Knight Rider, only instead of hitting the boosters to gain speed, Siri will take spoken orders and to help you locate places to eat, set appointments for you, and it will listen to you when no one else will. I consider this a great step forward, as Apple is now giving people a reason to actually use their phone for talking.

The iPhone 4s is so loaded I can’t wait for it to become obsolete so that I’ll finally be able buy it in 2029 – when I treat myself to it for my 50th birthday. Of course, by then my sad phone will be so old that it’ll probably be cool again. Oh well, It could be worse. I could be using on of those Zack Morris phones.

Lucas Molandes is a stand-up comedian that has made appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” and CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show.”

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