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Why Aren’t There More Latino Video Game Heroes?


We love video games here at Tu Vez. This is mainly due to us being huge nerds that didn’t date much in high school. If we had a dollar for every hour we spent battling monsters and jumping through pipes, we’d be rich. The only problem is that there are so few Latino characters. Other than a few racist iPhone games, “Scarface: The World Is Yours“, and the occasional victim in a “Grand Theft Auto”, there are no Latinos. What’s that about? Perhaps it’s that the Japanese programmers are unfamiliar with Latinos. We’re here to help. Here is a list of characters that can be rebooted as Latinos.

Linkez in “The Legend of Zelda”

The protagonist of the “Legend of Zelda” series is Link, a white elf dude in green tights. We say you reboot him as Linkez, a Latino elf dude in a luchador singlet. Instead of Link’s usual cache of weapons, he can use the Master Machete, the Bolo of The Guachos, the Switchblade of East LA, etc. The object of the game is that Princess Zeldita gets kidnapped by immigration Officer Ganon and Linkez has to rescue her. Like “Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask”, Linkez can gain special powers by putting on different luchador masks.

Mario in Los Hermanos Mario

This is a no brainer. You don’t even have to change the name of the game. Maybe just change Luigi to John Leguizamo. Mario can keep the mustache, but instead of overalls he wears a serape and sombrero. He has to rescue Princess Mango from Bowsero the evil head of the Koopa Kartel. Instead of plumbers, Mario and Chuy can be day laborers that hang out in front of Home Depot. Why should the Italians be the only ones to have a gross stereotypical character?

Samusita in “Metroid”

One of the biggest twist endings in video game history was that Samus in “Metroid” turned out to be a woman. We keep that storyline, but we make her a hot Latina chick with big thingies and a smoking booty. She can pick up different bikini armors of varying strengths. The whole thing takes place in an intergalactic complex of projects. Samusita has to kill giant mutant alien cockroaches, rats, and slumlords.

Paco Mang

It’s like Pac Man except different. Paco Man has to maneuver a maze while eating empanadas. He is being chased by four Day of The Dead candy skulls. If he gets to the corners, he eats a bottle of tequila that gives him the liquid courage to beat up the candy skulls. They can also make a sequel called Señorita Paco Mang, which is exactly the same game except she wears a mantilla and gets bonus points for eating chili peppers.

Mortal Kock Fight

This one would be an old school fighting game, only instead of ninjas and Indian dudes with stretchy arms, they are fighting cocks. You can name them after dishes like Arroz Con Raiden, Sub-Zero Freezer Burn, Ryu Fried Chicken, Kung-Pow, etc. There are different cock fighting rings in various cock fight loving countries like Puerto Rico, Cuba, the Dominican Republic and Mexico. If you get a fatality, a Santero comes and sacrifices the cocks to Chango.

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