There’s a lot of internet smut out there and I admit I do have a hard time pulling myself away from it long enough to write these brilliant articles for Tu Vez. It’s so much easier to look at beautiful women bent into wonderfully enticing positions than it is to find something humorous to write about, especially when it feels like every story coming out of South America involves some corrupt-drug-lord-politician-terrorist. That’s why I’d like to take a moment to publicly thank the Argentinian teacher who accidentally distributed a USB flash drive containing sexually explicit videos of herself to her biology class earlier this week. You’ve made my job so easy.
I’d also like thank/condemn her evil students for taking it upon themselves to upload their teacher’s homemade skin-flick to the world wide web. Sweet hell. Welcome to the future, where children can obliterate your good name with the click of a mouse button.
Back in my day, the computer wasn’t something you could conveniently use to ruin a person’s life before going out to kick balls at recess. The computer was that thing you played Oregon Trail on while your computer teacher slept through his afternoon hangover. Beyond that, I didn’t understand how computers would ever play an important role in my daily life, just like algebra or sex education. Now look at me. These days I’m forced to suckle at the internet’s gnarled teat for financial nourishment, and, who knows, I might just have a few kids floating around out there.
One other thing, and it’s none of my business, but I’m curious to know just how wild this teacher’s private life is. I’m just thinking out loud here, but wouldn’t you, my readers, make it a priority to keep your sex tapes hidden somewhere safe, and NOT ON A USB DRIVE YOU MIGHT BRING TO SCHOOL? I feel like the only way I would lose track of my self-made boner video is if there were far more devious things I was worried about. “Let’s see. Dismembered prostitute securely hidden in my attic? Check. Fourteen pounds of militarized Russian crank securely hidden in the spare tire of my Geo Prizim? Double check. Video of myself getting fanny-packed by that person I met on vacation securely hidden in…ah, who has time to keep track of that one?”
Then again, who am I to force my morals on anyone else?
Oh well. Maybe she wanted to get caught. Maybe the kids shouldn’t have uploaded the video. Blah blah blah. I’m sure there’s some point to this story, but all I care about is that you, Argentinan teacher, gave me something easy to write about. Now I can get back to re-reading the latest Mad Hot. Smell you later.