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Balconing: Don’t Drink And Dive. Better Yet, Do

by Lucas Molandes

In a world where the Internet is making people famous in a survival-of-the-dumbest fashion, is it any surprise that people are acting like idiots for short-lived fame? Of course, you can’t become famous unless you attach yourself to a trend that is the right combination of death defying and stupid. If you’re looking for just such trend, let us tell you about a growing fad in Spain: balconing.

Don’t know what balconing is? Think of it as cliff-diving with less water and more chromosomes. First of all, don’t try this at home; most people do it at hotels so you’d be doing it wrong anyway. Second of all, don’t drink and dive. Most people injured from while engaging in this “extreme-sport” are drunken tourists. On second thought, if you’re going to balcony jump, go ahead and drink. Let’s be honest, if you’re the kind of person who’s attracted to fame for doing something extremely stupid, then booze is probably the least of your problems.

Personally, I appreciate anyone who’s willing to push their physical body to the limits to advance mankind. I mean, there’s a reason I still have that Evel Knievel poster over my bed. But what Evel did was done out of passion, not because he’d had one to many frozen margarita’s and decided to climb a storm drain and dive into or near a swimming pool. I mean, I’m sure it’s a tragedy, but if they survive the plunge, they will just go on to breed more idiots who will go on to date one of your kids, adding more clutter to an already over-populated planet.

While that might sound cruel, think about it like this: the world’s current human population is roughly 7 billion. If you had $7 billion in the bank, no one would think you cruel if you threw a few dollars down the drain just to see what would happen. Anytime someone jumps off a hotel roof into a swimming pool, that’s just natural selection’s way of impulsively burning hundred dollar bills to light a cigar. And is it any surprise that the trend has taken off in the Ibiza and Majorca regions of Spain? I mean, isn’t this a country known for its grown men who wear leotards while they dare bulls to gore them in front of strangers?  Sure balconing has led to several fatalities over the years, but it should be noted that balconing typically attracts the type of people who would have died from balconing anyway.

Moral of the story:  we’re not telling you that you should take the plunge, but if you’re stupid enough to think about trying it, do it. You’ll be doing the world’s collective gene pool (one you can’t jump into anymore) a favor.

Lucas Molandes is a stand-up comedian that has made appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” and CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show.”

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