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Top 5 Reasons Christopher Columbus Was An Ass


Today is Columbus Day, the day we remember one of the biggest a-holes in history. Maybe it’s because I’m Latino or perhaps it’s how much history I’ve read, but I hate this guy.

In the past, we Americans had a very selective view of history. In other words we only looked at events from the point of view of the White dudes with flags and not the Native people on the receiving end of their swords and smallpox blankets. We still do to some extent. Mass Indian killer Andrew Jackson is still on our $20 bill,  we still have pro team names like the Redskins, and many of us still believe the Thanksgiving story on the Butterball turkey wrapper. The only good thing Columbus ever did was to give us a day off.

So, listen up Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria, and check out the top 5 reasons that this guy is one of history’s true a-holes.

He Didn’t Discover America

I mean, can you really “discover” something that is teeming with people? Some estimates have the pre-Columbian indigenous population of the Americas at between 50-100 million. That’s like if I get on a raft from my apartment in Brooklyn and sail to New Jersey and claim it for Tu Vez. What about the poor native guidos, Bon Jovis, and Bruce Springsteen fans?

He Committed Genocide

We all know that genocide came later when boatloads of White dudes came over with smallpox blankets and guns but Columbus personally committed genocide. In Cuba, for example, every Taino male had to pay a huge amount of gold every year or Columbus would have their hands cut off until they bled to death. what a guy! In Cuba alone 500,000 native peoples died within 50 years of his arrival.

Established The African Slave Trade

And what happened when he ran out of Native Americans? Help establish the African Slave Trade, of course! Someone had to work all of those mines and cut that cane and he sure as heck wasn’t going to pay anyone to do it. Columbus helped establish the trading routes between Europe, Africa, and the Caribbean. This means that ultimately he is partly responsible for the MILLIONS of Africans forced into slavery. They didn’t get a three day weekend, I can tell you that!

Columbus’ Crew Spread Syphilis All Over The World

Syphilis comes from the New World like turkeys and free dipping sauce. It existed in a mild form which the sailors caught from all the women they raped. They then sailed all over the world on their next gigs and spread the disease everywhere they…ahem…docked. The disease incubated and changed inside their bodies, since they had no immunity to New World germies. Thanks guys.

Was A Terrible Person To Those Close To Him Too

He treated all of his “loved ones” and employees like crap too. He abused his wives, sons, brothers, and employees. He was so cruel and tyrannical that his crew took him to court for how big of a jerk he was. He was sentenced to ten years in prison for his crimes but king Ferdinand let him go. Think about that. These are the same people who sacked Granada and instituted the Spanish Inquisition and they thought he was barbaric!

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