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Cuba Prepares For Pope’s Visit


Oh how the times are changing. The war in Iraq has come to an end. The Jersey Shore visited Italian culture, leaving fist-fights and new forms of STDs in its wake. And the current Pope is gearing up for his first visit to Cuba (only the second Papal visit since 1998). Not to sound blasphemous, but first of all, the Pope visiting Cuba is kind of like Santa Clause visiting Cuba. Second, if Cuba is really interested in sprucing up it’s image to the rest of the world, I feel like there are better ways to do so than by embracing another 80-plus-year-old-man with antiquated, oppressive ideologies. That being said, let’s take a look at a few things that could improve Cuba’s image better than the Pope:

Adopt Different Religions

Cuba is no longer the Atheist playground it once was, but that doesn’t mean it should adopt whatever boring old religions are out there. Maybe Cuba could dabble in new, exciting religions, like Jedi-ism or Amish. I mean, Castro’s had that beard forever, so I’m sure he’d fit right in. Alternately, like Joeseph Smith or Frank Costanza, the country could create it’s own religion, thus taking back the spiritual freedom that was stripped away by the Marxist government. What I’m trying to say is, “All hail Cuba’s benevolent Flying Spaghetti Monster!”

The McRib

The thing I hate most about the United States is just how limited access we get to the McRib. Sure it’s bad for you, but so are lead-based Chinese toys, and those tend to stay on the market way longer. If Cuba wants to become a true beacon of progress, they should step up to the real issues by selling the McRib year round. If they can’t get the rights to the real McRib, who cares, Cuba can just rip off the formula and create their own (as they’ve been known to do).

The iPhone and iPad

Have you heard of the iPhone? I just got one of these bad boys for Festivus (I stole it during the Feats of Strength), and it’s better than sex – especially if you set it to vibrate.  While the Pope can attract his own crowd of people, in the last year we’ve seen few things capable of causing more fanfare/fervor than the launch of the iPad 2, the iPhone 4s or the death of Steve Jobs. What would you rather deal with: being touched by an angel or having touch screen technology? In fact, who needs to confess their sins to the Pope when there’s an app for that?

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