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Is El Chupacabra In Mississippi?


El chupacabra, the dreaded “goat sucker” of Latino folklore has sprung up in the unlikeliest of places: Picayune, Mississippi. The beast has been seen outside of town scavenging through the trash and the eating odd neighbor’s cat. I guess they don’t have any goats for him to feast on in that part of the South. Residents are understandably afraid. Local Amanda Denton says “We’ve been running back and forth to our cars because we didn’t want the chupacabra to get us.” Which is stupid because the chupacabra can outrun any obese Wal-Mart-shopping Southern redneck easily. But what does the dreaded vampire creature look like? Another local resident, Jennifer Whitfield says, “If a zombie had a dog, it would look like that“. Yikes. But I don’t know who I’m more afraid for, the Picayunians (?) or el chupacabra.

There is only two ways this is ending for el chupacabra: deportation or getting shot. The local Swamp Things, mutant gators, and skunk apes don’t cotton to some foreign mythological creature comin’ in and takin’ all their jobs scarin’ folks. They voted for Trump. Mississippi has pretty strict immigration laws and I wouldn’t be surprised if el chupacabra was on the first imigra truck back to Mexico. The other, (more likely), scenario is that Bubba and Bocephus are going to shoot the dread beast and mount it on their wall between a Confederate flag and a picture of Jesus riding an eagle. Either way, if I were el chupacabra, I’d hightail it to the border.

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