The final installment of the hugely successful Harry Potter franchise opened in theaters last Friday to ginormous box office numbers. People can’t get enough of British children involved in the occult. The books and films have made their creator JK Rowling the first author in history to be a billionaire. But what is she going to do now? She doesn’t really have to do anything because she is richer than most small countries, but she might get bored. It’s stated in the Harry Potter story that each part of the world has its own school of witchcraft and wizardy. We think Rowling has the potential to make even more money if she taps into the growing Latino demographic. So, here are some ideas that Rowling can use to write “The Adventures of Enrique Pottero at the Quetzal-Chango School for Brujerias.” We want our cut, Rowling!
Little Enrique started off life with a bang. His parents were killed by the evil brujo Serpiento,who also tried to kill him. The spell backfired and turned Serpiento into a disembodied spirit and left a torta shaped scar on Enrique’s forehead. Enrique was raised by his abusive uncle in an Oaxacan slum, until one day a big hairy dude named Pelon comes and takes Enrique to the Questzal-Chango School for Brujerias. There, Enrique learns how to harness the powers of Latin American magic, hoping to one day become a powerful brujo. Our protagonist is a goofy-looking, chubby kid with glasses. We think Modern Family‘s Rico Rodriguez is a good casting choice.
In the Harry Potter books, the kids go to school in a magical castle called Hogwarts. In Enrique Pottero, they attend the Quetzal-Chango school in an old Mayan pyramid in Guatemala. Why Guatemala? Because its close proximity to a lot of Latin America. Also, those pyramids look badass on film. It’s called Quetzal-Chango, as it synthesises all Latin American magic from ancient Aztec to Santeria into one big orgy of blood and power. Given the nature of sacrifice in Latin American magic, the kids would be required to take classes like: “Despojando evil spirits using a chicken and a sharp knife 219″ and “Tearing out still beating hearts of victims on obsidian altars 101.”
Harry Potter has Quidditch, a game in which players riding on flying brooms try to score points by throwing a ball through a hoop, while two other players hit a ball at them, and another player tries to catch a golden mosquito. Actually, we’re not really sure how the game works even though we’ve read all the books and saw all the movies. At Quetzal-Chango, they play Brujeria Futbol. Instead of brooms they ride on trapeadoras, the long t-shaped sticks with a rag draped over the end that often passes for a mop in Latin America. They still have to try and get the ball through the hoop, but instead of the defense being two opposing players knocking a ball at them, they use AK-47s. Also, if the guy chasing the golden mosquito gets bit he gets malaria and the game is over.
The bad guy in Harry Potter is an evil wizard named Voldemort who murdered Harry Potter’s parents. The same thing happens in our story, only our evil dark brujo is named Serpiento. He uses his evil magic to run a narco cartel in Ciudad Juarez. Enrique’s parents were part of Los Federales Magicos and tried to take Serpiento down, but Serpiento killed them instead. Serpiento hates Enrique because Enrique is the only one who can kill him. We think Danny Trejo would make an awesome Serpiento. Think of all the money they’d save on make-up.
Every hero needs sidekicks. Harry Potter has Ron and Hermione, and Enrique Pottero has Paco and Luzmerelda. Paco is a laid back guy from the Dominican Republic who looks up to Enrique Pottero and is secretly in love with Luzmerelda, a bookish but hot girl from Barranquilla, Colombia. The three have all kinds of adventures as they try and protect Enrique from the evil Serpiento. Throughout the course of the books and movies, there audience will constantly try to guess which guy Luzmerelda will pick. That is, of course, until the very end. Our Colombian hottie picks Paco when she finds out that Enrique boned Paco’s sister Taquita. Selena Gomez would make a good Luzmerelda.