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Epicurean Abominations: Top 5 Worst American Takes On Latino Food

We Latinos that live in the United States are caught between two worlds. On one side, the traditions of our ancestors and on the other, the larger American society in which we live. When you have a foot in each world, you have to synthesize the two cultures in yourself. In turn, the two cultures themselves blend together to form a third, hybrid society. This is generally a good thing. However, sometimes…sometimes the result is an abomination. The worst culprits are food items. American companies take beloved Latino foods and shoot them with the suck ray of lameness to produce something…monstrous. Here are the top 5 worst American takes on Latino food.

Southwestern Egg Rolls

What the F is a Southwestern egg roll? The two words don’t make any sense together. It’s like saying “Military Intelligence” or “STD-free Jersey Guido”. You see these culinary terrors in big chain “family fun” type restaurants. Usually, these are egg roll pastry stuffed with black beans, corn, pollo guisado, onions, and rice which is then deep fried. You know what that sounds like? A friggin’ empanada! Stop it. No more Southwestern egg roll.

Pre-Mixed Mojito In A Can

How friggin’ fat and lazy are you? You don’t want to waste the precious calories that it would take to mix rum, muddle a lime with some sugar, and pour it in a glass? Then just go down and get it in a can at the local sleazy gas station. You know, the one that sells pornography and fake roses that turn into red satin panties behind the counter. This makes me want to cry. There is no surer sign of cultural death, than when you see a piece of your history canned and sitting next to a bottle of MD 2020.

Pizza Taco

Now, we here at Tu Vez are no one to lecture anybody on health…but, a pizza taco? Let me explain. This isn’t like the Mexican Pizza at Taco Bell. It is a large pizza, folded to make a “tortilla”, which is then filled with cheese, meat, tomato, and lettuce. We cannot imagine what level of self-loathing you must feel for yourself to eat a pizza taco. However, several restaurants serve these death rolls. It’s like you are forcing both Italy and Mexico to kill you simultaneously.

Chinese Mexican

I live in New York City, and there is a lot of weird stuff to eat here. One of the strangest and most ubiquitous is Chinese Mexican. Now, this isn’t the hybrid cuisine of Chinese immigrants that lived in Mexico. These are Chinese people from China cooking Mexican food in a Chinese way. So, if you order a quesadilla, the chicken will taste like sweet and sour chicken and the tortilla will taste like a dumpling. But not like a good chicken dumpling, like a gross quesadilla. There are approximately 150,000,000 Chinese Mexican places in the 5 boroughs of New York. The fortune in your fortune cookie should say, “Prepare yourself for diarrhea”.

Pouring Cheese On Anything And Calling It A “Fiesta”

You also see this a lot at big chain family restaurants. Take a plain ordinary steak and pour lots of nacho cheese from a pump and a sprinkling of pico de gallo, and you got yourself a “Steak Fiesta”! It can work with anything, fish, chicken, burgers. It seems that all Latino cuisine amounts to is: stuff with cheese and crap on it. It’s demeaning to our history to reduce our entire culinary tradition to a big yellow glop of syntho-cheese. I would like to dip whoever came up with this “fiesta” nonsense into a boiling pot of nacho cheese…to death.

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