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Fart Proof Underwear


Turns out prayers, like flatulence, don’t always fall on deaf ears. Shreddies LTD, a company sent from the heavens above, has developed a line of underwear capable of eliminating odors up to 200 times stronger than the average gas release. The underwear works because it has been fitted with a carbon filter, which neutralizes odors as they waft through it. Those of you that are interested should know that a single pair costs 45 dollars for men and 35 for women (apparently men are so disgusting that they require an extra ten dollars of fart technology). Also, the underwear does not have the ability to silence your flatus, which, depending on how long you’ve been married, may or may not be a bonus.

While most might rejoice at the news of this kind of technology, there’s still a concern of it falling into the wrong hands. My guess is if you’re the kind of man that breaks wind in public all the time, then you’re probably not the kind of man that prides himself on buying multiple pairs of high quality, odor eliminating underpants. And I know men. I am one of them. They think, “if it smells clean, wear it.” If you’ve been rockin’ a single pair of these all week because “they still smell clean,” then you have social problems that go way beyond the occasional public cheese cutting.

Also, why would you call this product Shreddies? Was the name “Rippers” or “Bloopers” already taken. What’s that? Bloopers already was? Oh.

Aside from those minor quibbles, the good definitely outweighs the bad here. And for those of you looking for an investment opportunity, this just might be it. The demand for Shreddies underwear is expected to be high. However, before you sign a check over to Shreddies, here’s something to consider: gas odor just might become a thing of the past, so this might be the perfect time to buy stock in companies like Taco Bell, Outback Steakhouse, or even cabbage. Thanks to this product, people can consume all the Doritos Locos and Bloomin’ Onions they want without the fear of an accidental unpleasant odor ruining date night. Sales will skyrocket higher than a mighty Blue Angel jet.

In closing, I would like to say thanks to Shreddies LTD. You are the wind beneath my hot wings.

Fart Filtering Underwear

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