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How to Fight Back Against Hate Crimes Against Latinos

The hate crime statistics for last year have come in and they aren’t good. I guess, no hate crime statistics are good, but these show a disturbing trend. Hate crimes against Latinos have risen 11% since 2009. 66% of all ethnically motivated bias crime is against Latinos! The reasons is pretty clear. Donald Trump’s election has galvanized racists and made them feel it is OK to openly attack Latinos. This made me think two things: 1) Screw that! and 2) What can we do to protect ourselves? We here at Tu Vez do not advocate violence, (we are weak nerdy bloggers after all). However, the primary motivation of any organism is survival. So, we are going to play Q from the James Bond movies and come up with new and exciting weapons to protect ourselves from hate crimes.

The Jalapeño Pop-gun

Pepper spray is all well and good, but this bad boy makes the stuff the cops use look like mild hot sauce. The Jalapeño Pop-gun shoots an entire jalapeño into your enemy’s eyeballs. Not only does he have to deal with the excruciating pain of having the irritant capsaicin in their eyes, but also chunks of jalapeño. The pieces of the pepper act like shrapnel in a grenade.

The Hoop Earrings Of Death

This one is for our Latina sisters. If an attacker is coming towards you, you simply pull off the earrings and throw them at the guy. Razor sharp blades in the hoops will then come out and slice the heck out of the would be hate crimer, (is that a word?). The earrings would then retract the blades and return to your hand. It’s basically like the Glaive from “Krull”.

The Exploding Baby

No, we aren’t advocating strapping a bomb on a real baby. We Latinos are expected to always be carrying around a bunch of kids. The exploding baby is a decoy filled with C4. So, if an attacker is coming after you and your kids, simply toss the baby at the him. His first instinct will be to catch it, and then boom! The Exploding Baby comes in a variety of colors from Frosty Argentine to Mocha Dominican.

Abuelita’s Mantilla Trap

When is your abuela always out and about? On Sunday when she goes to church to pray for your sorry butt. If she’s like my grandmother, she always wears a mantilla to church. If someone starts some mess with abuelita, she simply peels off the back side of the mantilla and throws it like a net over the attacker. The mantilla’s inner core is covered with a powerful glue that will imprison anyone or stick them to any surface. It’s like Spiderman’s web juice but for old lady’s in church.

Hairpray Helmet 2000

We Latinos have been known to use too much hair spray and gel. I’m pretty sure there is a small hole in the ozone layer over every barrio in the country. The Hairspray Helmet 2000 creates a dome of protection around your head. If someone tries to bash you over the head with a baseball bat, it absorbs the shock and breaks the bat. Because of some special chemistry stuff we don’t understand it creates an unbreakable molecular something or other. However, it simply washes away in the shower.

Via NY Daily News.

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