Uncategorized

Five Things for Brazil’s Criminals to Consider


It’s official: Brazil has passed the UK to become the world’s 6th largest economy in the world. Naturally, the criminals in that country are showing their pride by resorting to stealing human hair from salons (nearly $80,645 US worth thus far). Before you get too grossed out, we should inform you, no, they aren’t stealing “the hair” that made Brazilians famous. They’re stealing hair extension, which are currently in vogue in that country. While we’re not ones to judge here at Tu Vez, we do feel that Brazil’s criminals need to step up their thievery to reflect the fact they aren’t in the economical bush-leagues anymore.  As card carrying members of one the largest economies in the world, here are a few U.S. crimes we suggest Brazil’s criminals commit (ed note: don’t commit crimes) in order to step up to their new found status:

Steal Raw Meat

Yeah, you heard us. Not only should you steal raw meat, but like our friend Scott Shover from Carlisle Pennsylvania, you should also eat the raw meat while you’re still in the store. Brazil, I know you want to steal hair, but stealing and eating raw meat is how you let people know you’re serious about becoming a first world economy. [ABC 27]

Get Crafty

Go ahead and steal human hair, but if you really want to keep up with Indiana’s Aaron Randolph, try robbing a bank with nothing more than a hot glue gun. Yeah, this crafty criminal proved that whether you’re making a scrapbook for your grandkids or robbing a bank, hot glue guns can give you memories (and a sentence) that will last a lifetime. [Indy Star]

Forget Snorting Drugs

Maybe in the 1980’s putting ye olde Bolivian Marching Powder up your smeller would have been kosher, but these days American criminals are into snorting co-canine. This past January, several Florida teenagers reportedly stole a box full of cremated dog remains and snorted it, thinking it was heroin or cocaine. Awesome! Your move, Brazil. [Palm Beach Post]

Don’t Get Lazy

Even in the largest economy, criminals need a couple of jobs to make ends meet. So Brazilian criminals, why not get a job that allows you make a little extra on the side. Think of New Jersey’s own Melissa Redmond who used her Dunkin’ Donuts job as cover for her part time prostitution gig. Asking for “extra sugar” got you more than donut holes, is what we’re sayin’. Of course, her working in a donut store is probably what eventually led to the cops arresting her, but we applaud her work ethic. [Gothamist]

Steal Better Things!

Brazil, the human hair market has never really been stable. So why not take a page out of our friends from Johnson City, Tennessee, and steal something with real, long-term value, like wall art from a fast-food joint? Of course the would-be art thieves were caught, as stealing from Arby’s art collection is like stealing gold from Fort Knox, but at least they tried. Brazil, if you want to make the big money, you got to steal from the big dogs, like Museum of Modern Art in New York, or the Guggenheim in Bilbao, Spain, or Arby’s in Johnson City.

More About: ,

0 Responses to "Five Things for Brazil’s Criminals to Consider"