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Happy Columbus Day?

The other day I was in a meeting when an older Italian-American member of our organization started, very proudly, telling us about how he was going to march in the New York City Columbus Day parade today. He said, “because everyone is Italian on Columbus Day”. Now, I don’t mean to imply that he is a bad person, far from it. He is as proud to be Italian as I am to be Cuban and Latino. He probably still believes the myth of a heroic Christopher Columbus who “in 1492 sailed the ocean blue”. The man who “discovered” America and proved that the Earth is round. All of this, of course, is nonsense. We now know that Columbus was a cold-blooded, greedy, mass-murdering, a-hole. We’ve written about it extensively here on Tu Vez. It’s becoming increasingly controversial that we here in America continue to have a federal holiday in honor of a man whose policies led to the mass genocide of the Native Americans of the Caribbean. I suspect, much like my Italian-American friend, that they simply don’t know the truth. That the old stories that came from a whitewashing of history still pervade in their minds.

Columbus Day started in the early 20th century as a way for newly settled Italians to celebrate their heritage. Back then there was still a blase attitude with regard to the historical treatment of the Native Americans. But don’t we know better now? We aren’t the only ones that are caught in the web of Columbus spin. I remember being shocked on my first trip to Spain in the 90’s before the conversion to the Euro that Columbus and his conquistador buddies were prominently featured on the Spanish pesos. Here in America we still have Andrew Jackson who also committed genocide against Native Americans on our $20 bill. It’s getting to the point where it’s no longer acceptable to not know the truth about Columbus. Seattle recently passed an ordinance naming today Indigenous People’s Day instead of Columbus Day. So, has Austin and several cities around the country. Even in New York City, where I live, they are seriously considering changing the name of Columbus Circle. But don’t take my word for it. I urge anyone who is interested to do a little research and find out the truth about this horrible d-bag for themselves.

If, however, you know the truth and you still want to celebrate Columbus Day, here are a few things you can do to honor his memory:

1. Go to your neighbor’s house and take it over by the use of flags, guns, and TB.
2. Book a cruise around the world and spread syphilis to as many countries as possible.
3. Steal some stuff from some local Native Americans.
4. Name yourself owner of the Western Hemisphere like a megalomaniacal douche.
5. Traffic some sex slaves.
6. Force people to convert to your religion or suffer death.
7. Mistreat all of your relatives to the point that they want to kill you.
8. Force someone to find gold for you at gun point.
9. Wear a stupid hat and puffy sleeved doublet.
10. Cause the death of 2 million plus innocent people.

Happy Columbus Day.

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