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Hey Baby, Que Paso!?

by Lucas Molandes

Amigos is a website where Latinos can find love and romance. A few years ago I was working in a mall warehouse. I was broke, single, and had nothing to offer the opposite sex. I still don’t. I say that because I’m in a relationship, and because I don’t have the energy to impress girls who like Ed Hardy or spoilers. These days I see young girls at a bar the same way I look at the pogo stick or dressing up like my favorite wrestler: they’re things I can’t do anymore without looking foolish for trying.

I didn’t have Amigos back then. I had something better. Miguel, one of the guys I worked with, was this 100 pound dude who always looked like he was just about to enter rehab. Despite his appearance, the guy wasn’t afraid to sweet talk the ladies, by which I mean “”verbally wear them down until he got their number.” I admired that about Miguel. He saw the lady troubles I was having and offered to take me under his wing. He also tried to sell me a laser-sight that could fit on a knife. “One of a kind,” he told me.

Before putting your heart on the line at Amigos, take note of some of the lessons I learned from Miguel:

1. Don’t let the ladies find out about your wife – and vice versa.

Your wife pays the bills and drops you off at work first thing in the morning. The last thing she wants is to be bothered with details about all the lady-janitors who can’t keep their hands out of your counterfeit Polo jeans. So be respectful and keep all your broom closet affairs to yourself.

2. Don’t get married.

It sounded like a good idea at the time. You needed a place to live, and three weeks felt like it was long enough to know she was the one for you. But you’re a player at heart, man. Drug dealers are told not to try the product. Players need to follow that same advice – don’t ever fall in love with the product.

3. Don’t be afraid to be a gentleman if it makes her feel better.

Tell her that you demand respect. After she gets done setting fire to your Sega Dreamcast in the front yard of your duplex, apologize and beg to be let back into the house. Apologizing is compromise, and that’s part of being in an adult relationship. Also, don’t get the cops involved. You have priors to think about.

4. Two words – Sexual Texting

What do you get the woman who has nothing? Send her a dick picture. DPs are the poor man’s dozen roses. Wrap a bow on your junk, take a picture and send. It’ll be the gift that keeps on giving. Just be sure that you send the photo to the right person. The last thing you want to do is make Mother’s Day awkward for everyone.

5. Put yourself out there

When you’re a kid, having a crush is cute. When you’re older, having a crush is like saying, “I’m attracted to you, but I’m going to watch you creepily from a distance” – aka “I’m stalking you.” If you want someones attention, at least make an attempt. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection? You end up in the friend-zone? “Some people say the friend-zone is like a prison. I don’t see it like that. In prison there’s a chance you might get to have sex.”

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