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Hugo Chavez Says The U.S. Gave Him Cancer. Here’s How We Think They Did It.


We’ve written before about how completely insane Hugo Chavez is. It’s frightening that a guy that baby-eating crazy is the head of a big country like Venezuela. Hugo is well known for saying weird things, like how he believes that life on Mars was wiped out by capitalism. How the heck does he know what Mars’ economical model was? Was there a Martian Ayn Rand or Adam Smith we don’t know about?  His latest crazy ass statement is that the U.S. gave him and other leftist Latin American leaders cancer. Now, we aren’t doctors here at Tu Vez, but can you give someone cancer? It’s not like it is the flu. But, you never know these days with all the new technology being developed. Here are 5 ways the U.S. could have given Hugo Chavez cancer.

Via NY Daily News Latino.

Put Carcinogens in Sean Penn’s Chap Stick

Perhaps doctors at the CDC developed a cancer causing type of lip balm and gave it to Sean Penn? Sean Penn, like a lot of Hollywood celebrities, is clueless about the realities of life in Latin America. He goes down to Venezuela and kisses Hugo’s ass a couple of times a year. It’s possible that the cancer Chapstick was transmitted from Sean’s lips to Hugo’s butt during a sloppy ass kissing session.

Inject Radioactive Isotopes Into Hostess Cupcakes

Chunks of radium gave Marie and Pierre Currie cancer in the early 20th century. Maybe the CIA has been introducing radium into Hugo’s Hostess Cupcakes? He may hate American imperialism, but he loves him some chocolaty processed treats. He wouldn’t taste the radium due to the delicious cream filling.

Simon Bolivar The Parrot Is A Secret Agent

Hugo Chavez has a pet parrot named Simon Bolivar. He likes to force the poor bird to wear red berets and sit on his shoulder. We’re pretty sure that Simon secretly hates Hugo. Wouldn’t you if you were forced to wear a tiny red beret? Simon sits on Hugo’s chest and chain smokes straight into Hugo’s mouth when he’s asleep and gave him cancer.

Hugo Got Cancer Through Natural Processes

Maybe he got cancer because his body could not stop cancer cells from reproducing and taking over organ tissue. Nah. That’s too far-fetched.

Fidel Castro Gave Him His Cancer Through Magic

Maybe it wasn’t the U.S. at all. Maybe it was his BFF Fidel. Three years ago, Fidel had a mysterious illness that forced him to retire from dictating. The speculation is that it was some form of cancer. Perhaps, he used the Santeria technique of a despojo to give Hugo his cancer. The ritual involves rubbing a chicken on the sick patient so that the disease goes into it. Maybe Fidel rubbed himself on Hugo and gave him cancer. They only have five chickens in Cuba and they need those for May Day dinner.

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