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I Try The Taco Bell Breakfast And Survived

I decided it was time to fulfill my promise to you, our beloved Tu Vez fans, and try the breakfast menu at Taco Bell. The storied restaurant serving cheap food to high people unveiled its new breakfast menu this past week and launched a media blitz to celebrate. The best commercial involves them forcing a bunch of different people nationwide, who happen to be named Ronald McDonald, to try the menu. The breakfast foods are only available in The U.S. right now. Taco Bell president Brian Niccol told a customer in Canada on a Reddit AMA that he would bring the waffle taco to Canada when they took back Justin Bieber. That’s a solid joke, but is it worth it? I tried three of the meals and made myself violently ill for you to find out.

The Waffle Taco

This is the biggie. This is the poster boy for their new menu. It’s sausage, egg, and cheese wrapped in a waffle and drizzled with maple syrup. Taco Bell must have assembled a crack team of potheads to put this thing together. The result is slightly nauseating with a hint of sweet. It’s as if someone with no teeth asked you to mash the full breakfast at McDonalds together into a paste so they could drink it through a straw. I was not a fan.

Cinnabon Delights

These aren’t exactly Latiny but they were the ones I found least offensive. They were created by Cinnabon, those tasty treats that you would hate eat at the mall when you were a teenager. They are basically fried dough balls covered in sugar and cinnamon and stuffed with the gooey white cream they glaze on top of the cinnamon rolls. I could only eat two before I was overcome with the sickening sweetness of it all. Aesthetically it’s definitely a step above the Waffle Taco but below my cat’s dirty litter box.

AM Crunchwrap

Imagine a hashbrown brick, a sausage patty, and eggs and cheese wrapped in a thing origami sleeve of flour tortilla. That’s the AM Crunchwrap. It lives up to the crunchiness name and that’s about all I have to say about it. If I was extremely hungover and slathered it with 5 packets of fire sauce that could act as a flavor lubricant to down this starch brick, I can see enjoying it. Dead sober and already feeling sick from sampling the previous two things, all I can say is that I didn’t immediately throw up after eating it. Hurray!

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