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5 Ideas For “Machete” Sequels

Machete Kills comes out on Friday and I can’t wait to see what hilarious hijinks old Machete gets into this time. Rodriguez is supposed to be making it a trilogy, but I say why stop there? Machete can be a Latino James Bond and have an infinite amount of adventures. There have been 26 Bond films and most of them were pretty friggin’ awesome. There is a lot you can do with a character like Machete. Sure, he’s a brutal killer but he’s also got a heart of gold and always does what’s right. He has a soft side for the ladies and is a bit of an old fashioned romantic. So, with that in mind here are 5 ideas for Machete sequels, (Please call us about these, Robert Rodriguez).

Machete Loves

Like I said, Machete is a softy when it comes to the women folk. Who can forget his seduction of Jessica Alba from the first movie? Or his tender lovemakaing with Lindsay Lohan and her on-screen mom? I think it’s time for a Machete rom-com. Machete meets Suzanne, (Katherine Heigl or Reese Witherspoon), a flower shop owner whose given up on love. When he saves her from Vato Ninjas, they begin an unlikely love affair.

Machete In Space

Sure, he’s handy with a machete but how would he do with a laser blaster? Aliens from the planet Gringolax-5 arrive on Earth to force all the Mexicans into mowing the lawns on their planet. Machete must travel to the mothership and kill all of the Gringolaxians and rescue the Mexicans in time for Cinco de Mayo. Maybe he can have a lightsaber machete? That would be awesome.

Machete Vs. Jason

Who else in film history was really good with a machete? Jason Voorhees, of course! There could be a crossover franchise in which Machete decides to take a much needed vacation at camp Silver Lake, only to be confronted with the murderous mama’s boy in the hockey mask. When Jason starts killing teenage girls that Machete wanted to have sexual relations with, Machete goes after Jason. I see a climactic battle on boat.

Machete Brings It

Dance films have made a big comeback over the last few years and I think a machete dance movie would be awesome. A dance school and rec center in the Barrio is going to close unless they can raise $500,000. The kids decide to put on a show to raise money and Machete agrees to help. His showstopping tap number at the end will bring everyone to their feet.

Machete Wins An Oscar

The Machete films will probably not earn Danny Trejo a much deserved Oscar. Not because they aren’t any good but because the Machete films aren’t the kinds of movie for which the Academy gives the naked gold dude. So, if Rodriguez made a movie in which Machete was dying from cancer while mounting a legal protest against an evil corporation and simultaneously raising a teenager with drug problems while also overcoming dyslexia, he might stand a shot. Meryl Streep can costar. Watch your back, Jack Nicholson.

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