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It’s A Christmas Miracle! Justin Bieber Officially Announces Retirement


On Christmas Eve the world was “horrified” when Justin Bieber Tweeted that he really is retiring. We told you last week about Justin threatening that he’s going to quit the biz. He doubled-down in his farewell Tweet to his few remaining fans. While I seriously doubt that he will actually retire, (he loves the spotlight too much for that), I think he believes that he’s being honest. His message sounded like a cross between a passage from the Bible, a suicide note, and Bill and Ted’s speech from their brief visit to the future. He said,

“My beloved beliebers I’m officially retiring. The media talks a lot about me. They make a up a lot of lies and want me to fail but I’m never leaving you, being a belieber is a lifestyle. Be kind loving to each other, forgive each other as god forgave us through Christ Merry Christmas IM HERE FOREVER.”

But what will Justin do with his future? What skills does he have other than caterwauling like a cat with a UTI? Here are a few suggestions of future careers for Justin to consider.

Male Prostitute

A handsome looking woman like him would be a hit as a prostitute. It’s fun, easy, and he has plenty of experience with hookers. While he was in Brazil last month he visited a few of Rio’s best loved brothels. I imagine Bieber isn’t any good in the sack but the novelty of sleeping with someone who used to be famous will keep the customers coming.

Dairy Queen Employee

Justin comes from a long line of white trash yokels. Why fight genetics? Justin should get a job at Dairy Queen as a Blizzard artist or whatever. He could spend his days dispensing frozen treats and baskets of chicken fingers to the greasy denizens of “real America”. Can’t you see him asking people if they would like to up size those fries?

Circus Performer

His personal style is how I imagine Ellen DeGeneres would dress if she was the ringmaster at a cut rate circus. So, he can use all of those red suits and pompadours to at least entertain people for once. I’m talking about the kind of circus that slinks into town and sets up shop in the parking lot of a flea market. Maybe he’ll meet a nice bearded lady he can settle down with.


Cat Show Judge

If there is one thing that 10 years of superstardom can prepare you for it’s the cutthroat world of cat shows. I think that Justin has the right combination of flamboyance and tweezed eyebrows to make him a good cat show judge. All he has to learn is the particular attributes of each breed so he can properly discern the differences. That probably just involves reading a pamphlet. That might be hard though as I’m pretty sure he can’t read.

Young Coot

Most retirees are elderly folks who have earned their right to be cantankerous and complain about things. Justin could simply assume the role of a grumpy retired person. He can argue with grocery store clerks over four cents and can talk about the good old days of the early 2000’s. Bieber can spend his days telling younger men to get off his lawn or threaten to call the police if they don’t turn down that racket.

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