I admit it. I’ve never been a very religious person. Can you blame me? People pray for the end of world hunger, but yet there are always starving children. People pray for world peace, but there are never-ending wars. How can God truly love all his children when he allows Tim Tebow to win football games without the ability to actually throw the ball? It’s not that I don’t have the capacity to believe in something, it’s that I haven’t seen anything worth believing in. That is until now.
According to a recent interview, as a young girl, flat-chested Salma Hayek prayed to Jesus for boobs and guess what happened? The lord gaveth. Salma was blessed with natural cups large enough to satisfy even the most hardcore 7/11 Big Gulp enthusiast. I would like to take this moment to thank Salma Hayek’s boobage for proving to me the value of faith, and for proving that miracles do exist.
Usually when I think about miracles, I think of Jesus appearing on a dog’s butt (this actually happened) or the Insane Clown Posse singing about magnets. These things, however, are usually the result of natural, scientific phenomena or heavy drug usage. But how can you stare at the majesty that is Salma’s chest and not see the face of God nestled snugly between her left and right breasticles? I believe Salma should be put on display at the Vatican, so that visitors may formally give praise to her ample, holy water soaked bosom. Believers, such as myself, can ask for forgiveness as they walk past her. And maybe she can bless us by placing her breasts on our head, so that our prayers may motorboat their way to the shores of heaven. If anyone knows the Pope, please pass this suggestion along to him, okay?
I’m sure some readers will argue that praying for bigger breasts is a waste of a prayer. It’s vain. It’s selfish. It reinforces negative stereotypes for women. To those readers, I would like to say: if it’s such a bad thing, then why did Jesus reward Salma with bigger boobs? If the lord didn’t want you praying for bigger body parts, then why do you always wish they were bigger? The next time you settle down to pray for world peace, don’t bother. Ask for something you really want. If anyone understands the real meaning of giving and Christmas, it’s Jesus. Amen.