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Klout: Get Your Social Junk Measured

By Lucas Molandes

In what will probably be the most exciting method of putting numbers on people since credit scoring or Nazi concentration camp tattooing, Klout has arrived to assign you a number based on your social networking influence. Put simply: increasing your Klout number (a score of 100 being the highest) is directly correlated to your online presence. Create influential online content and watch your Klout boner grow to its full potential [ed. note: Tu Vez’s Klout score is 47. Womp Womp]. Pretty soon, you’ll be scaring small children with the size of that social media package you’ve got stuffed inside of your Internet pants. But I’m sure you’re wondering, “why should I get my social junk measured for all the world to see?” Answer: because Cuban-American Joe Fernandez is what pioneers and visionaries like to call “a real douche dumpling.”

It may come as no surprise, but Joe Fernandez is a former New York real estate employee. Maybe I’m biased because I live there, but I’d rather buy small teeth from people who grave rob children’s caskets than work with the kind of people who try to sell property in New York. He’s the type of guy who would try to rent out an apartment the size of a closet for $2000 while piling a hidden broker’s fee on top of that. I’ve seen prostitutes who are cheaper, less diseased, and can fit more people inside of them than what these real estate agents try to pass off as spacious living areas. They have no morals. They are evil wastes of humanity who should have been used as stem cell research material.

Joe Fernandez, left, is clearly a well adjusted person who has never felt inferior

Of course, maybe I’m being harsh. Joe, after all, is an example of the American dream. According to Fox News Latino, he started with an inflated sense of self and a dream that his opinions could influence where people bought burritos (see linked article above). Fernandez basically looked at Yelp and said, “I can do that with burritos.” Well, his burrito scheme had a breakthrough when he said to himself, “If I can influence what people eat, then surely I can influence how we look at people.” The idea for his website was so brilliant that no one in America was willing to give him money. Luckily, Joe found investors in Singapore. And thus Klout was born and potential employees are now able to ask what your arbitrary “Klout” number is when they interview you. Just another reason to be rejected!

Currently, 100 million people have signed up, giving Klout the kredibility it so desperately needed. So kudos to Joe Fernandez for seeing people as numbers and reinforcing the idea of social caste systems. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go work on my Xbox live score, because I live in the real world.

Lucas Molandes is a stand-up comedian that has made appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” and CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show.”

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