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Latino Costume Ideas For Halloween


You have until tonight to think of a costume but what could it be? Sure, we’re adults but so what? Some people say that Halloween is just for kids. Those people are stupid and deserve an open-handed slap in the mouth. It’s the one day a year where men can dress like women and women can dress like sexualized anthropomorphic animals and no one cares. The biggest challenge every year is coming up with a great costume. Sure, you could invest thousands of dollars and God knows how many hours in creating an exact replica of Boba Fett’s armor, but who has the time or money to do that? OK, besides nerds with trust funds? If you haven’t thought of anything yet, fret not! Your pals at Tu Vez are here to help. Here are 5 ideas for cheap spooky costumes that are guaranteed to get some treats from your neighbors!

The Latino Boyfriend

Grab some baggy pants, a wife beater, a hair net, a cholo hat, and if you can grow a mustache by tonight, do it. Then, go to your nearest country club, cigar bar, or executive watering hole. Kick the door in and yell, “Hey mang! I’m Sad Boy, and I’m here ’cause I’m making your daughter Stephanie (or Brittany, or Jennifer) my old lady.” One of the rich old guys will have a daughter named Stephanie or whatever. He will then offer you money to not marry his daughter. Don’t take a check. He can put a stop payment on it. Make him give you cash out of an ATM. Then tell him you’ve had second thoughts. If he’s a gentleman, he’ll also buy you a beer.

The Lawnmower Mang

Don a pair of old jean shorts, a white stained t-shirt, a bandanna, and a straw hat. Go to any upper-middle class suburban neighborhood. Pick a random house and prune their bushes or mow the lawn. Perhaps carve a nice topiary of a giraffe or something. Then, ask for money. Chances are they don’t mow their own lawns, so if they tell you that they weren’t expecting you today, tell them you had to do it that day because the boss double booked you for the regular day. If they refuse to pay, say you aren’t leaving until they pay you. The first time you “fertilize” their roses, they’ll be forking over some money. Not only will you receive your reward, you’ll have the satisfaction that comes with a well edged lawn.

Cuban Balsero

Grab an old t-shirt, a pair of ratty shorts, and a belt made out of rope. Next, find yourself an inner tube or build a raft out of the hood of 1959 Pontiac Bonneville. This costume only works if you live near water, preferably the sea. No one will believe you floated to the shores of Lake Michigan from Cuba. Swim out a few feet with your raft and let the current take you to shore. When you arrive, simply declare that you are defecting . As your feet have touched dry land they can’t send you back. The government will then clothe you, feed you, and give you candy. It’s how half of this author’s uncles came to America.

The Valet

Put on a white shirt and tie and stand outside of a nice restaurant, parking garage, or hotel. Some nice rich person will come and just give you the keys to their car. They are assuming you are a valet, like they did in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”. That makes them racist and undeserving of such a fine automobile. Their car has now trickled down to you. What a country!

George Lopez

Probably the most horrific costume of all. To be George Lopez, simply put on a bad toupee and dress in a shiny suit. If you don’t have a shiny suit, dig up the corpse of one of The Temptations and wear one of theirs. Next, go to your nearest Cracker Barrel, Wal-Mart, or other place that rednecks congregate. Do your brown-faced Lopezian minstrel show and they will shower you with candy, Natural Light, and Hostess Cupcakes for fulfilling their every stereotypical fantasy. It worked for him didn’t it?

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