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Latino New Year’s 2017 Resolutions


Another year has come and gone and it’s time to reflect, (and drink). What have we learned this year? We learned that being famous is enough to get you elected president even if you are a racist buffoon, not even Fidel Castro can escape 2016, that tacos are great, and that Walter Mercado is still the best thing on TV. But mostly we learned that being a Latino in modern day America can be a weird mix of awesome and suckiness. It sucks when people still treat us like we are second class citizens and awesome when we show that it is we Latinos that will influence the future of this great country. But what about next year? What do we hope to accomplish in 2017? Let’s you and I make a few new year’s resolutions.

Go To The Gym

OK, this year I mean it. I’m tired of being such a panzon all the time. I’m going to go to the gym and get into shape. And by shape I mean not a pear. We especially need to work off all of those calories we just shoved down our mouth holes this Christmas. Why does Latino cuisine have to be so fattening/delicious?

Call Mom More

I don’t have this problem…because my vieja calls me all the time. But still, she gave birth to your sorry ass and it’s time you showed her some respect. Call her tonight, but not during the novelas. I hear Francisco is going to reveal he is really Esmeralda’s dad!

Hang Out With Friends More

This is a big one. Your homeboys have stuck by you through thick and thin. The least you can do is make the time to go grab a beer or watch the game with them. It’s tough when you’re a grown up to make time for your male friends. But these relationships will be the ones you look back on with most fondness.

See More Movies And Art Stuff

You are turning into an uncultured oaf. Go out and see an exhibit in a museum, you lazy bastard. Would it kill you to get some culture? I’m no different. I have a degree in theater and film and I rarely go to either the theater or to see movies. What good are all of those student loans if I’m not going to take advantage of it?

Be A Non-A-hole

I believe that most people are basically good. The problem is that we get caught up in our own selfish BS and that’s when we get in trouble. I think you can boil down six thousand years of religious ethics and philosophy into a basic mantra that, if we all lived by it, would make the world a better place: Don’t be an a-hole. Or, as the great philosophers Bill S. Preston, esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan said, “Be Excellent to each other and Party On dudes!”

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