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Least Likely To Succeed


by Lucas Molandes

Well, there was no Lopez this past week. So I figured I’d expound on my political beliefs as a way of showing I am capable of doing more than taking cheap shots at people who want power. I should state that I don’t follow politics, but I used to watch wrestling, so I understand the fanaticism that comes from living vicariously through sociopaths. I’ve heard many of the same names being tossed around for the 2012 Republican nomination, but who are these people really? Lets take a closer look at a few.

Mitt Romney

If I close my eyes and hear the words “Mitt Romney,” I think of a white man, full head of greying hair, with the composure of a bank manager right before he gets pistol whipped in a hostage situation (and you know all of his co-workers secretly applaud the robber because they’ve been wanting to do that for years, even if they don’t know why). The name “Mitt” evokes vivid images of a generic white man the same way the name “Sapphire” brings about images of butterfly tramp stamps, browning roots, daddy issues, and dead eyes that could stare down a great white shark. The face that Mitt is making in this photo is the face he’ll make in two years when he has to apologize to his wife about something involving his penis.

Michele Bachmann

I don’t know much about her. She seems like the opportunistic sort. Last go around we had Sarah Palin, who has the stern authority, sense of humor and charisma of a cliched 80’s college dean, but at least Sarah was out there in the trenches on her own. Bachmann comes across no better than the spunky Kit Keller (from A League Of Their Own) to Palin’s driven Dottie Hinson. Where were you last time, Bachmann? You needed someone else to show you it could be done because you don’t have the initiative to do it on your own? How about you go buy some toner shoes and figure out another way to feel better about yourself. There’s no crying in politics!

Sarah Palin

She’s out there doing whatever it takes to look like she’s into whatever it takes to ingratiate herself into the conservative zeitgeist. A few weeks ago she was decked out in motorcycle leather at some biker rally, something I’m sure she’s never done outside the context of campaigning or my fantasies. Of course, she wasn’t technically campaigning at the time – in the same way Afghanistan isn’t technically a war, and Casey Anthony technically isn’t a MILF. Palin recently ripped the mainstream media for “lying” and “making things up.” I can’t remember if this was before or after she claimed Paul Revere was actually a horsey that belonged to the Beastie Boys. Sarah is what I like to call a real “butterpolitics.”

Ron Paul

When people talk about Ron, I get the same vibe from his supporters that I get when I talk to people who love the McRib. People who buy the McRib take money out of the hands of the Big Mac camp. It only comes around so often. People love it or hate it. And they’re not quite sure what to make of it. You can tell them apart easily: Ron usually runs on a Libertarian platform, the McRib usually causes the runs.

Tim Pawlenty

Based on name alone, I’d bet he’s the kind of guy who has an all-American life. He was probably the towel boy to a very successful college sports team. He met his wife in the hall outside of jurisprudence class. He probably purchased a home in North Carolina with tobacco money. And somewhere in a crawlspace of that home is a hard drive filled with massive amounts of Russian slavery porn. Once a month, he gets into the crawl space, inserts a butt-plug carved of child bone (a family heirloom), and weeps uncontrollably while looking at an old picture of his mother holding a dead snake. But he does it in the privacy of his home, and that’s why he’s considered a moderate.

Jonathon Sharkey (actual photo)

Here’s a guy who seems to be confronting the age old question: Am I a magician, porn star, bass player, 1840’s bartender or Republican candidate? Why not all of the above? I’m not sure what his stance on national defense is, but I’m sure it involves adding more high-level warlocks and djins to his Magic The Gathering vanguard. He’s the kind of guy who wears black because he’s goth, and because it’s slimming and only needs to be washed once in a while. You know the kind of people who sit on toilets so long their ass becomes fused to the seat? Well this guy is a survivor. Where’s his 127 Hours-style movie? Rockbottom fell on his dignity, and he gnawed his way out of it. Really, the only thing he’s a threat to in any race is his heart.

Thaddeus McCotter

Sometimes referred to as “The Thad” – but that’s only when he’s let his hairs down after slamming a few O’Douls. Aside from understanding the value of goldenrod ties, The Thad understands what it’s like to live with his parents for just a little too long. The Thad doesn’t care about your personal space. The Thad hopes the White House has a Murphy Bed for when he has poon over. The Thad isn’t above crying in a pawn shop. The Thad is the kind of single father who gets beaten up by his kids, but that’s okay because The Thad is happy to be part of something. Vote for The Thad 2012; he needs your sympathy.

Jimmy McMillan

Jimmy McMillan is what you get when two businessmen bet each other a dollar they can spruce up a homeless man and make him into a mogul. Having long abandoned his rigged three-card Monte street games (but not his sweet facial hair), Jimmy has consistently appeared in the Forbes Magazine’s “Most Powerful People” segment, and he has been a featured writer in Disapproving Glare Magazine for the last five years.

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