by Lucas Molandes
Trending – (adverb) 1). Group think which occurs when emotionally repressed people devolve into frenzied crying over a celebrity who will never care about them. 2). What acid washed jeans did in the 80s.
George Lopez, the pied piper of banality, trended on Twitter last night. As most of you know, Twitter is the website where people with less vocabulary than Koko the Gorilla can group en masse to express opinions on topics they don’t understand. #publicschools
Information as to how Lopez trended is slowly becoming available. Initial reports indicate that it has something to do with the appearance of former New Kid Jordan Knight, 41, on the show. In keeping with Lopez Tonight’s tradition of recycling stuff from the 80s (jokes, cocaine habits, haircuts, etc…), Jordan rehashed his “awe shucks” personality to the delight of a crowd filled with ladies who clearly consider dry-humping their stuffed-animals a healthy relationship.
I’m unfamiliar with Jordan’s recent work, but a quick review of his Wikipedia page tells me his love ballads revolve around non-consensual themes and encounters: “Give It To You” and “Let Me Love You” and “This One’s For The Children.”
Not to sound like a misogynist, but when a room full of ladies get to hollering over someone like Jordan Knight, part of me dies a little. I feel bad for my brothers Danny Bonaduce, Donny Osmond and Trent Reznor. They are all just as talented as Jordan Knight, but for whatever reason, don’t inspire the kind of cycled-up love the women gave JK last night. I feel bad for the boyfriends who have to constantly talk these pre-cougar, happy hour sops down from the emotional ledges they climb on to. “You’re the reason I lost my virginity behind a shoe repair store and not in a green room!” I imagine these women yelling such things as they stumbled into the bedroom last night, Tuacas floating around their graying livers, waking up half-naked the next morning, wondering if their pillow killed someone the night before because of all the tear drops on it.
But what can you do? Nerds have Comic Con and these women have Jordan Knight. At the end of the day, it’s all a role-player’s escapist fantasy. Some people battle trolls online, others imagine what it would be like make out on a beach with a washed up child celebrity whose ego is equally fragile. Life didn’t work out how we thought it would when we were 10-years old, so why not regress back to that time in life? I still have fantasies about Clarissa explaining it all to me.
The funny thing is Jordan Knight (180,000 followers) did not trend last night, though the crowd was clearly there to see him (video above). Jordan, with the more fanatic fan base, should have trended but somehow Lopez swooped into steal Knight’s thunder, leaving the former NKOTB-er to ride Lopez’s wifebeater-tails all the way to the trending bank.
The real question here is one that comes when I look in the mirror. One day when I have grandkids, they’re going to want to know how someone like Lopez was able to trend on Twitter without having done anything to deserve it (like murder his family, for example). Why didn’t we do anything to stop it? How I could sit back and let G.Lo ruin the integrity of Twitter trending topics (#mybuttsmellslike, #catmirkens, #whitepeoplehobbies)? They will ask me these questions, and I’m not going to have answers.
Lucas Molandes is a stand-up comedian that has made appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” and CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show.”