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Minority Reporting: I Will Pepper Spray You!

by Lucas Molandes

This past Black Friday, a woman described as “Latina” pepper sprayed dozens of holiday shoppers in attempt to score an Xbox 360. The best thing about this story is that the authorities haven’t charged the woman with anything as of yet. If you ask me, this woman shouldn’t be charged with anything ever. While I don’t typically advocate violence, I am a big fan of natural selection. That’s why I believe that if you stand in line for Black Friday, you deserve to get pepper sprayed.

In fact, taking a hot load of spray to the face should be the mandatory price for early Christmas shopping. Holiday shopping is a desperate no-man’s land, where logic is replaced with a carnal sense of hunting and gathering. Not only are holiday shoppers willing to riot over $2 waffle irons, they’re willing to camp out just for the opportunity. Pepper spray is the most humane way to deal with these greedy creatures.

Hell, if retailers said, “hey, we have a special door that will allow you in one hour early, however, as soon as you walk through it, we will pepper spray you;” I bet we would see some hardened consumers take them up on that offer. Not only that, I’m sure these people would wear that accolade as a badge of honor. That might sound like a stretch, however. I’m sure some readers remember that kid who sold his kidney to get an iPad 2.

I bet that for most of the year, this Latina woman is a model, church-going citizen. I bet she plays by the rules, and lets people walk all over her. I bet her live-in boyfriend spends more time handling a game controller than he does showing how much he loves her. I bet the woman saw the purchase of this Xbox 360 as the best way to get her man to notice her. I bet she pepper-sprayed those around her because she was mad as hell and she wasn’t going to take it anymore!

I admire her because I understand her anger. I have fantasies where I yell, and pepper spray, and cut to the front of lines and ultimately get what I want. But I never do any of that because I’m a nice, humble guy. They say the meek shall inherit the earth, but in my experience all being meek has earned me is standing in the back of the line, quietly, wondering when life will be fair to me. Well, I’m tired of fantasizing. All I’m saying, if you see me at a Wal Mart this holiday season, you’d better be on good behavior, otherwise I just might challenge you to a high-noon pepper-spray showdown in the aisle between women’s foundation garments and fishing gear.

Lucas Molandes is a stand-up comedian that has made appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” and CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show.”

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