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Minority Reporting: Latinos, Please Don’t Shoot Gun Near White House

I’m surprised I have to say this, but if you’re Latino, don’t shoot at the White House, okay? I bring this up because authorities are currently on the hunt for Oscar Ortega-Hernandez after a bullet from his gun hit one of the the White House’s windows last Friday.  A lot of people in the USA are already weary of the growing Latino population in this country (Georgia and Arizona come to mind), and this does little to improve our overall public image.

I understand that sometimes people disrespect you and you have to pop a cap in their ugly grill, but how dumb can you be, Oscar? You shot a gun near one of the most heavily guarded buildings in the free world. This wasn’t an IHOP parking lot, where that behavior is tolerated. THIS WAS THE MOTHER-F–KING WHITE HOUSE! What did you think was going to happen? Oh, that’s right, you weren’t thinking. This isn’t like The Sandlot, where you can politely knock on their door and apologize for your bullet accidentally blowing out their window. What are you going to say? “May I please have my bullet back,” will not work here. It may have been an accident, but you’re probably going to jail FOR-EH-VER.

Also, Oscar, have you seen yourself? That picture they have of you … you look like you should be cooking meth on Breaking Bad. You look like Che Guevara dropped out of community college because they wouldn’t take his term paper on why hemp should be legalized. You look like the kind of person who gets laid because you have sweet hacky-sack skills. And according to the article, you look like a Hispanic male, 5 feet 11 inches tall and weighing 160 pounds. Do you know how many Hispanic males in Washington D.C. are going to be shaken down because of what you did? Thanks a lot, bro.

Oscar Ortega

I currently live in a neighborhood were several individuals are being sought in connection to various sexual assaults. The descriptions on the poster are mostly the same: Hispanic male, 5’6’’ to 5’9’’, 140 – 160 pounds. I’ll be damned if that ain’t me.  I can’t leave the house at night without fear that women are going to call the cops on me. Look, ladies, I’m not stalking you – I’m just making a late night walk to McDonalds so I can get the McRib while it’s still in stock. Do you think I’m proud of that fact? Christ, I feel bad enough. The last thing I want at that moment is some woman casting accusatory glares at me because of what those guys did.

I understand that people want to say all Latinos are bad because of Oscar. That’s their ignorant problem. But the last thing we need is having too much negative attention drawn to us while we quietly move forward in our quest to take over this great country. So Mr. Ortega, apologize and turn yourself in for what you did. If J.Lo can forgive Marc, I can forgive you.

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