Is racism the new black? Well, when two separate occurrences of “whites-only” events are in the news at the same time, you know it’s a stellar week for racists (unless you’re a racist hipster who remembers how much better hating minorities was before it trended in the news). Personally, I don’t care if people want to engage in whites-only activities for the same reason I don’t care if people of the same sex want to get married. I don’t discriminate. In fact, I appreciate when racists put up signs that read “whites only” for the same reason I appreciate websites putting up warnings like “NSFW.” Because of the advisory, I know whether or not the link to Top 10 Wookie Shart Memes is appropriate to show my boss.
The only problem I have is that the word “white” is too vague a descriptor. By saying whites only, you’re ignorantly putting every “white” person under the same umbrella, which means, that the sign, “WHITES ONLY” is also racist to white people. Holy $hit. Did you brain just melt? Well that’s what happens when you don’t take the time to put people into their proper categories. And not only is “whites only” racist, it’s also lazy. Racists could learn a little from pornography, which has successfully divvied sex into so many different categories that it’s nearly impossible to not find exactly what perverted act you were trying to google (leave it to the pornographers to be anal about that kind of stuff). Racists: if you’re not going to do the work then you might as well not even put a sign up.
In fact, a sign can only do so much. The way bars work (aside from their ageist 21-year-old age requirement) is they naturally attract a clientele based on how they operate their business. Dive bars naturally attract poor people. Upscale bars naturally attract upscale patrons. And gay bars naturally attract gay drinkers and closeted suburban dads whose sexless marriage has made them question themselves in new and exciting ways. These bars don’t put up signs that exclude anyone. So, instead of putting up a “whites only” sign, leave the option open for all races to join or not join. If you really are racist, then your questionable way of life should be more than enough to turn minorities off. (I know I’ve never had the desire to be racist because I can’t handle the mandatory “sleep with my first cousin” rule you all seem to have.) And because of that, no one will accuse you of engaging in discriminatory practices.
Also, let’s say a minority you are trying to segregate ends up finding some level of legitimacy in the philosophy behind your segregation. Those people will help validate your cause in the long run (like when you say, “it’s okay, I can make that joke because I have a Mexican friend.”). The Republicans tried this tactic with Hermain Cain, and now no one can accuse any Republican of being racist ever again. Isn’t that right, Ann “our blacks are better than your blacks” Coulter?
Let’s hope these racists get their act together and make their “whites only” signs more specific in their discrimination. Which group of whites are you talking about? Not all whites hate the same things, and putting them all in the same room together will inevitably cause them to clash over which minority group deserves the most hate. I mean, it may sound crazy, but if the racists can’t get along, then I don’t see how we can ever hope for world peace.