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Minority Reporting: Yes Cassandra Wright, You Are A Racist

Dear Cassandra Wright,

With the holidays approaching, I wanted to take the time to write to Santa and ask for the one thing I’ve always wanted: the perfect girlfriend. In you, I have found that person. Today I read about your recent tweets, which some are calling racist, especially the one where you wrote: My president is black, he snorts a lot of crack. Holla. #2012 #Obama. I don’t think what you wrote was racist so much as it was brave. It took a lot of heart on your part to spill the entire contents of your brain into a space the size of 140 characters.

So why am I writing to you, C-dubs? Sure people in the media are calling you a pedantic bigot, but I’m okay with that. I have a type, Cassandra. I know you understand what it’s like to be alone, miserable, blindly lashing out at anything that your entitled heart desires. I’ve seen your picture. There’s nothing wrong with that, though. Hell, just last night I spent the better part of an hour trying to summon Bloody Mary in my mirror just so I could have someone to hang out with. Sure, I know she’s a murderous witch, but like I said, Cassie, I have a type.

I think we would make the perfect couple, C-Word. Because of my race, you could take all of your latent racial stereotypes out on me behind closed doors. Then you wouldn’t have to spill your intolerant fits of megalomania onto the Internet. And you know we’d be a hot couple, role-playing to your hearts desire. We’d light a sexy cross-shaped candle and get into character. I could be the lowly brown savage that you infect with small-pox (or whatever virus you most likely have living in the swampy sludgepot nestled between your freckled, melanoma legs); all while Lee Greenwood’s “Proud To Be An American” played in the background. Our safe word could be “segregation.”

Back in the day, the best way to keep a person from talking was to keep her mouth full (did I say ‘her mouth’, I meant ‘their mouth’…How embarrassingly unfortunate. If only I could take that back!), but these days, texting and Twitter and the internet have given voice to people, yourself, who have nothing valuable to say. Cassie, I understand that you are the University of Texas Austin College Republicans President, and so I could see how these 140 character rants might be an attempt to gain extra credit. But if you really are intent on becoming a politician, please do the normal thing and use Twitter to ruin your career after you’re already holding public office.

Save your “What kind of messed up world is it when I’m studying hard in the library and the Asian guy next to me is watching America’s Next Top Model episodes on his laptop??” for when you are in power (white power!).

So I’ll end my letter by asking for you to make my Christmas wishes come true and say yes to my proposal. As the fearless Republican that you are, if you were to be my girlfriend for the holiday season, surely you would be the best White Elephant gift ever! Isn’t that clever, I made the connection to Republican and elephant there. But what I’m really saying is that I’d just pass you around the party until something better came along.

Lucas Molandes

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