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Occupy Wall Street: Undeath and Taxes

by Lucas Molandes

Here’s an idea for the next George A. Romero movie: Evicting the Dead. Apparently in Spain, if you fail to pay the lease on your burial plot, urban planners are allowed to dig you up like an old septic tank and kick you out. So far, remains from roughly 420 crypts in Zaragoza have been kicked to the curb, with plenty more to come. While giving the boot to the dead sounds like a gross violation of squatter’s rights, I agree with what Spain is doing. Look at it like this: Which demographic votes at a higher rate than any other? If you answered “the elderly,” give yourself a gold star. Well then, who’s older than the elderly? That’s right, bucket kickers and daisy pushers.

It’s simple fact that if the dead rise from their grave and randomly riot and eat brains, it’s because they lack something vital: purpose. They know they can roam the streets and loiter as much as they want because they have a home/plot waiting for them at the end of the day (not unlike Occupiers). If we begin evicting the dead before they inevitably come back as zombies, we will give them the political and social purpose they desperately need in their after-life.

Occupy Wall Street or Zombie-Occupied Apocalypse?

Occupy Wall Street has given a lost generation a purpose. These are people tired of living hand to mouth. These are people tired of hearing “no shirt, no shoes, no service.” These occupiers are tired of riding their unicycles and drum circling in front of people who don’t appreciate their efforts. If we’ve seen what political and social unrest can do for these slackers, just imagine what it will do for the undead. You thought Andy Rooney was an opinionated curmudgeon while he was living, wait until you find out how opinionated a homeless Zombie Andy will be.

Get Off My Lawwwwwwwwwn!

Not unlike the protesters, the only reason we shoot zombies in their face is because they act out. But technically, these undead people are still citizens, and the dead out number the living many times over. So if zombies are upset with the way this country is being run, they will overwhelmingly be able to voice their opinion through voting and due process. So occupiers, follow Spain’s example and dig up a dead person. Hell, dig up a rich old dead person, chances are they’ll want their money back from those they bequeathed it to. I’m sure if grandpa Hilton could see just what his grandchildren have done to his name, he’d be rolling over in his grave. Oh, that’s right, he can’t roll over in his grave. Thanks 1%.

The 1%

If we move the dead, the worse case scenario is we’ll forget where we put them and build houses on their desecrated resting places. Of course then we’ll find ourselves in a Poltergeist scenario. No biggie, all we’ll need is a Native American who understands the value of exorcism and mushrooms. And we all know where to find that guy, passed out in a Greyhound bus station.

Lucas Molandes is a stand-up comedian that has made appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” and CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show.”

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