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Oreos As Addictive As Cocaine & Heroin


That’s right, one of the most delicious cookies on earth might as well be scrumptious cocaine sandwiched between two circles of crispy black tar heroin. But don’t worry, we’re no where near drug runners trying to illegally cross the borders with Oreo filled condoms crammed up their buttholes. Talk about double stuffed. Ay dios mio!

recent study revealed that the brain activity in lab rats given Oreo Cookies was the same as those given smack and blow. Smack and blow? Maybe that explains their beady red eyes? Maybe that explains Speedy Gonzales and Slow Poke Rodriguez.  We used to think they were awful stereotypes perpetuated by the people at Warner Brothers. Maybe they were just super high lab rats stuck in a world of frightening hallucinations. They were the original Pinky and the Brain.

Look at Speedy’s face. That’s an I-just-scored-an-eight-ball-at-three-in-the-morning cocaine face. Also, someone call Dr. Drew on Slow Poke. He’s one plunger away from doing duets with Jimi Hendrix.

Back to the story at hand. The rats involved in the experiment were put into a maze that had Oreos on one side and rice cakes on the other. And, strangely enough, the rats favored the side with the Oreos. I can’t help but feel this experiment was flawed. I’m convinced that rice cakes were not meant to be eaten by anyone or anything. Hell, rats are animals that will eat their own babies, and they won’t even go near rice cakes. If Oreos, according to this experiment, are as tasty as heroin, then maybe they should brag about it. Put it on the label.

One last thing. Reading that these lab rodents were subjected to cocaine, heroin, and Oreo Cookies, I can’t help but think of animal cruelty. That said, I would like to donate my body to science. This experiment specifically. Now I’m not condoning the use of booger sugar or the chasing of dragons, or Oreos, I suppose. What I am saying is if you need someone to get high and loiter in a maze all day, I’m your guy. You don’t even have to pay me.

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