Tired of taking the kids on bland theme tours through Pennsylvania Amish country or the local landfill? Well Colombia has the narco-tourist attraction you’ve been clamoring for: the Pablo Escobar is History Tour in Medellín! That’s right. If you have 40 dollars and three hours to kill, you and the kids can traverse this drug lord’s old stomping grounds. You’ll learn valuable skills like how to suppress your enemies and what to look for when picking out a nice safe-house. You know, real world stuff.
No word on what souvenirs they’re offering, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that they’ll offer the “I went on the drug lord tour and all I got was this lousy bullet in my ear” t-shirt. Confirmed as as an added tour bonus, you’ll be able to meet Pablo’s brother – Roberto – who is apparently latching onto his brother’s infamy just like Ron Gallagher, aka Gallagher 2, did with his own bro.
Many of the tour’s opponents say they are against anything that could possibly mythologize Escobar. The goal of the tour, however, is to inform the public, and all money earned will go to support “vulnerable communities.” It’s like they always say, “when life hands you cocaine, you make cocaine-ade.”
Because the website lacks a suggestion box, I’ve decided to put up a couple tours I think would also be of Latino interest. Think of these as “The Original Latin Kings Of Tragedy” Tour:
1. Augusto Pinochet: Ruthless Chilean Dictator or Political Hottie tour? After this tour is done, you’ll be saying, “Several human wrongs don’t make a human right, but Señor Junta sure knew how to fill out a pair of pleated slacks.
2. Francisco Franco: The Authoritarian of Awesome tour. Before there was the most interesting man in the world, there was Franco. On this tour we’ll discuss how Frankie once convinced the Catholic Church that the sun revolved around him.
3. Tomas de Torquemada: The Dominican Friar and The Fryer of Spaniards tour. Arguably the originator of the block party, Tomas was responsible for bar-b-queing nearly 2,000 people during the Spanish Inquisition. Few people, however, know about the softer side of Tommy, who reportedly enjoyed drowning people in his dungeon.