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President Obama Meets Raul Castro At Mandela’s Funeral


President Obama met Cuban dictator president Raul Castro at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela in South Africa. It’s significant because it’s the first time a sitting U.S. president has met one of the Castro brothers in the sagging liver-spotted flesh. Fidel was famously rebuffed by president Eisenhower when Castro came to Washington shortly after the revolution. He sent Nixon instead, (no wonder we’ve been feuding for 50 years). Relations between the two countries remain frosty, though they have eased up a little under Obama. For example, Cuban-Americans like me can now freely travel to Cuba and drink so many mojitos that we throw up on Havana’s historic malecon…not that that happened…But what could these two statesman have to say to each other after so many years of animosity? I think it went a little something like this:

Raul: Hey, big O! What’s the haps?

Barack: Hello, president Castro. It is an honor to meet you.

Raul: Word. Yo, it is hot and wet as a monkey’s balls up in here. I gots one of them hats with the fans built into the brim. Want one?

Barack: Err…no thanks.

Raul: Suit yo’self. (puts on pith helmet with built in fan from The Sharper Image)

Barack: It’s a shame we had to meet under such sad circumstances but I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I believe that it is time our two great countries sit down and try to work out some of our problems.

Raul: Truf, son. Yo, I loves America. I be watchin’ yo cable channels, drinkin’ Natty Light, and listening to yo rap music. Do You know Kanye West?

Barack: Umm…yes…But anyway, as I was saying…

Raul: ‘Cause he put his shortie all up inside Kim Kardashian but she still gots a slammin’ body. I’d like to motorboat them balseros, if you know what I mean. (makes motorboating sound)

Barack: (Pause) Well, it was nice meeting you. Nice mustache, by the way. I’ll talk to you later.

Raul: Keep playin’, playa.

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