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Reasons We Need A Latino President

Monday is President’s Day in which we celebrate the 250 years of old crusty White dudes and one awesome Black guy who have been our presidents. Now we have our first orange oompa loompa president. When I see political candidates of either party I think, “I see nothing of myself in you.” That’s why I think it’s high time for a Latino candidate for the presidency of the Junited State. Latinos are the fastest growing demographic in the country (because no one can reproduce as quickly or efficiently as us). We need a candidate that is a man (or woman) of the people. I don’t mean one of these Latino politicians we have today. I would gladly run myself, but the minimum age requirement disqualifies me. That and the time I got arrested for egging Carlos Mencia’s house. So someone else should do it, and here are five reasons why.

Save Money On White House Lawn Care

The government is always looking for ways to cut back federal spending. With a Latino in office, no federal funds would need to be earmarked for landscaping for the White House. El Presidente use his innate lawn care abilities to take care of that. On any given Sunday, you could drive down Pennsylvania Avenue and see your President mowing the lawn shirtless while drinking a tall boy of Miller Light. Isn’t that the American dream?

A More Active First Lady

Aside from Abigail Adams, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Dolly Madison, most First Ladies have been pretty forgettable. If we had a Latino First Lady, she would be active as hell. The White House would be run with the ruthless efficiency only a short Latina woman with a Napoleonic complex can muster. Also, should a reporter disrespect her husband, you better believe la doña will pull off her earrings, forget that part about being a lady, and bring some hood to the press conferences. Un a related note, I also have no doubt a Latina would make a great first woman president (Tu Vez is all about gender equality). She could solve our economic problems, end the wars, tell congress to stop being such pendejos, and sign 50 bills in time to watch the 6pm novelas.

A Latino president could fix the economy

How you ask? It’s simple. Latinos have always had to make their money stretch as much as possible. A Latino man’s natural thriftiness would preclude him from too much government spending. “QUE?!?! A missile costs how much? Crees que cago dinero o que? I could build one for $50. Let me get my tools.” El Prez would balance the budget through the Latino economic trifecta: coupons, cheapness, and lotto tickets. If he gets three pigs in a row on that scratch off ticket, we’re set.

Solve the energy crisis

We’re all worried about the environment and the rising costs of oil. A Latino president would know what to do. It’s a well known fact amongst all Latinos that an unlimited source of natural gas is our rice and bean dishes. Every Latin American country has a variation on the classic rice and beans dish. All the president would need to do is harness the power of the frijoles. If we could run a hose from every Latina abuela’s drawers to a collection unit, we’d have enough power to last us until 2315.

Tu Vez would be the President’s Press Secretary and Speechwriters

Tu Vez is for freedom of the press (we’re also, much like Wu Tang and Rasta Monster, for the children). We’re kind of like journalists, except for the whole qualifications and ability to take anything seriously thing. A president needs good speech writers so he doesn’t look stupid in front of the press. For a nominal (yet exorbitant) fee, the Tu Vez staff writers will pen the words that reach and touch the hearts of the American people. Our expert wordsmithing would facilitate things like the passing of bills like HR-57847*.

*HR-57847 is a bill that forces the FCC to fine any network that puts George Lopez or Carlos Mencia on the air.


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