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Snowman Shenanigans!


In Texas, snowmen are like deadbeat dads. You don’t see them very often, and when you do, they’re usually passed out on another family’s front lawn. The weather here doesn’t lend itself to quality snowmen; the temperature can get into the eighties well into December. And when it does get cold enough, we usually just end up getting a freeze that makes every car on the road spin out. Best case scenario for us: we get a light flurry or two and have just enough to make a creation out of greasy snow, animal droppings, leaves, and whatever else neighborhood kids could find to act as snowman filler. No matter how hard they try, their creation ends up looking less like a snowman and more like a failed mutant experiment. Clearly the south is no country for snowman.

As a kid, I’d watch the news and see clips of crazy snowmen on the evening news. Then I’d look out at my own front yard and see my snowy abomination dying a slow, agonizing death. And I’d wish that we’d get the kind of snow that always shuts down the North East. That’s another thing about living in a warm climate: school was never cancelled because of snow. Not only did I not grow up with snowmen, but I also got to hear about kids skipping school to play in the snow. I was always jealous. Sure, there are people who keel over every year from snow related heart attacks, but when you’re eight, heart attacks are like jobs. They’re meant for older people. Now that I’m older, though, I’m glad we don’t get snow around here. My car’s tires are balder than Donald Trump and I get short of breath just from washing the dishes. Then I see clips like the one below and I get a little jealous again.

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