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Some Reform Ideas For The Cuban Communist Party Meeting


The Cuban Communist Party is meeting for the first time in 14 years this week, and they’ve already announced some pretty drastic changes. Old fart Fidel Castro has formally stepped down as head of the party, a position he’s held since 1959. His brother Raul announced sweeping reforms including term limits for officials (including himself), allowing people to own property, and expanding people’s ability to run their own businesses. It’s an exciting, if difficult time in Cuba. They’ve been hit hard by the worldwide economic crisis. Let’s face it, if you had no money to begin with where can you go but down the crapper? We hope these reforms mean an end to 50 years of douchbaggery on the part of the Castros. We compañeros at Tu Vez would like to humbly suggest a few more ideas of stuff the party can do to change Cuba for the better.

Tax Beards

Fact: The people who have the highest standard of living in Cuba are the most loyal party hacks. These loyal comrades often wear beards in remembrance of the scruffy revolution look of 1959. Just like we here in the U.S. should probably tax our rich more, there should be a tax on beards. The longer it is, the more you have to pay.

Build Giant Voltron-Like Robot Out Of 57 Chevys

Cuba has lots of cool vintage cars lying around. The state can cut spending on the military if they build one giant robot that assembles from classic American automobiles. The robot will be the only defense program that they’ll need. “But won’t that cost a lot of money?”, you might say. No. Think about it, Cubans have been building and repairing those cars for 50 years out of whatever junk they can find. Some duct tape, a couple of inner tubes, and some corrugated tin and you’ve got yourself Voltrono: Defensor De La Revolucion.

Allow Prostitutes To Take Credit Cards

When male tourists go to Havana, they are constantly approached by prostitutes. These lady capitalists of the night do a brisk business. The problem is that it all has to be done in cash. Because of the trade embargo, you have to take all the cash you need ahead of time. If the Cuban government can make a deal about the use of credit cards with American companies, then you can put a night with Juanita on your Amex. They could carry around those portable card machines that restaurants have for delivery guys. Now that’s service!

Fidel Designs A Line Of “Sean John Style” Track Suits

Fidel has gone through three major fashion phases: First, he wore the olive drab fatigues of the revolution days. Then, after the fall of the Soviet Union he switched to nice bespoke suits. Since his illness and retirement, he’s donned some slick track suits. The fashionable sportswear market is huge with companies like Sean John, Juicy Couture, etc. making a killing off of selling pricey sweatpants. Maybe he can incorporate the olive drab into some track pants, put a picture of Ché on the ass of the women’s pants, or a red star hoodie.

Reality Show: Let’s Build A Balsa

Cuban TV is pretty lame. A few crappy soaps and then a bunch of panel shows with people talking about how awesome Hugo Chavez is. What they need to do is make a show they can sell to the American networks. They can create a show in which contestants build makeshift rafts out of junk. Maybe you can divide them up into teams like on The Apprentice. Then you race the rafts to see who can get to Key West first. The winner gets to stay in the U.S. and get a job as a busboy at Applebees. The losers get eaten by sharks. It’s must see TV!

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