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Subway To Remove Tasty Plastic Chemical

Thanks to the backlash caused by a recent online petition, Subway has decided to stop using the delicious chemical azodiacarbonamide in its bread. C’mon Subway, that was the only reason I went to your establishment! I get that the ingredient has caused alarm, and asthma, and possibly cancer, but seriously, where else am I going to get my azodiacarbonamide fix? I don’t want to give away my family’s old recipe, but my grandmother made her own bread using ginger, yeast, and a few loving pinches of azodiacarbonamide. Sure she suffered from chronic breathing conditions because of exposure to “certain chemicals,” but her recipe lives on in our hearts. And our lungs.

It’s not Subway’s fault that other people have given the chemical a bad name by using it to create yoga mats and rubber soles in shoes. Once upon a time, cocaine was as socially acceptable as coffee and chastity belts. Great minds like Sigmund Freud, Thomas Edison, and Charlie Sheen used the drug to fuel their creative process. Then disco happened and a lot of people overdosed and suddenly the drug has a bad name? C’mon Subway, don’t let a few cancerous bad apples spoil the bunch. What do people expect? Your restaurant is named after one of the most disgusting and diseased filled places in the world: Subway. I lived in New York and rode the subway daily. There were rabid vermin and horny vagrants lurking behind every urine covered pillar. If Subway wants to put a little azodiacarbonamide in the bread, so be it. There are worse things a person could eat in the subway.

Oh well. Good news for azodiacarbonamide purists. The scrumptious chemical can still be found in the following gourmet products and restaurants: Wendy’s, Arbys, Starbucks, Sara Lee breads, and McDonalds. End Sarcasm

note: do not try cocaine.

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