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The Bruce Is Loose

Over the next few months, we’re going to hear every possible joke about Bruce and Kris Jenner that late night talk shows can muster. Well, I’m not here to joke. Bruce, I understand what you’re going through. We live in a world of hard truths. Don’t feed mogwai after midnight. Creepers will blow up your house. And divorce is never easy.

That being said, neither is dating. Here are a few things to keep in mind now that you’ve been released.

This is your fresh start
Ending a relationship is a great time to create a fresh identity and meet new people. Unfortunately, anyone in the world with a working television is, to some degree, probably aware of your past. That whittles your dating pool down to the Amish or any single woman in the Mashco-Piro tribe. Please get comfortable with wearing a capybara loincloth.

Use Protection
Bruce, you’re in your sixties. In the last ten years, according to CNN, cases of sexually transmitted diseases have doubled for your frisky demographic. I know it seems like there’s no worse social disease to contract than a family of Kardashians, but please, Bruce, wear a rubber. Also, don’t make a sex tape.

Understand Who You Are
You’ve been around. You’ve seen a few things. You’re an old dog. Sadly, few people want to rescue an old dog. They tend to suffer from a myriad of complications: hip dysplasia, cataracts, botched plastic surgery. So, keep in mind that whoever dates you is an angel of mercy. They are ensuring that you will be taken care of until you finally go to that second Malibu mansion in the sky.

Also, Don’t Be Picky
Three decades ago, you were a hot commodity. You could date any person you wanted. Right? These days… I hate to us the phrase, “damaged goods”, but I just did. The only advice I have for you is something that Chatroulette taught me: It’s not that good things come to those who wait, it’s that good things come to those who lower their standards. Drinking definitely helps with this one.

You Have Millions of Dollars.
I just looked it up. Literally millions. Forget everything I just wrote. I’ll date you. We can do bottle service and breed ligers until the sun comes up. What do you say?


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