Entertainment

The Gall of Steven: Steven Seagal To Guard Border


Illegal border crossing just got a whole lot more washed up! Action movie star and ponytail enthusiast Steven Seagal has been deputized by the Hudspeth County Sheriff’s office. While this might seem like a cheap gimmick, Hudspeth County Sheriff Arvin West stated, “[...]Mr Seagal is not in this for the celebrity or the publicity.” Of course, that’s how I feel about Seagal’s entire acting career. But seriously, it’s good to see Steve take time out of busy schedule of having to deny he killed a puppy so he can help patrol an almost empty section of land in Texas.

Yep. That's Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio

I have to ask: what’s going through Stevie’s head these days? Have you seen him recently? He looks like someone told him about The Matrix, and rather than fight, he sat down and stuffed his face with Chunky Monkey and cheap beer for 59 years. Now he’s is out in the desert looking to chase down illegals? Paul Blart on a Segway would have a better chance. The only thing I see Depressed Neo capturing these days is adult diabetes. How are you going to kick ass when Twizzler’s took your foot?

This pains me to say, but Steven, you need to come to your senses and get back into acting before anything bad happens. Think about what message you’re sending to other actors. What if they get work based on their onscreen persona? What’s to stop Robert Downey Jr from building an actual Iron Man suit and fighting crime? What’s to stop Marisa Tomei from becoming a stripper (seriously)? This is the most dangerous celebrity loophole I’ve seen since the one David Carradine found in a Thai closet.

You f*cked with the wrong Mexican, ese.

I know you kicked ass for quite a while, but that wasn’t reality. Those are what we call movies. You need to stop playing in the des(s)ert before you stumble upon a Javier Bardem style maniac who guts you like Machete did. Come back to us before it’s too late.

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