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This Latin Life: Mayan Predictions, Medicinal Scorpions, And The Best Drug Tunnel Yet!

Welcome to “This Latin Life,” a recurring feature in which we bring you the news from south of the border in quick, funny nugget form. Mmm, nuggets…

Well, it turns out the worst thing about the 2012 apocalypse just might be the horrible John Cusack movie it inspired. According to an expert in global apocalypses, previous interpretations of the Mayan’s end of the world prediction date may be wrong by almost 100 years. No word on when the actual date might occur, however, you can try asking the hobo sleeping in my neighbor’s storm-drain. He’s as much an expert on end of the world predictions as he is on how to properly skin the trolls that live behind his eyes. Those can be tricky, he tells me. [Mayan predictions wrong]

And the award for “Drug Tunnel of the Week” goes to…It connects Tijuana to San Diego, and authorities are calling the most sophisticated one they have seen in five years. After reading the report, it’s safe to say this particular tunnel is nicer than my parents’ house. It had an elevator, electric lighting, hydraulic doors, and, most important, 32 tons of marijuana. Was this a tunnel or the sweetest party pad I’ve ever heard of? The discovery of this tunnel raises important questions, like how long before we see a drug tunnel style show on the Do It Yourself Network? Think of a mix between Man Caves meets Extreme Makeover: Drug Tunnel Edition. I’d watch that show. [sophisticated drug tunnel]

It looks as if scientists in Cuba think scorpions may prove valuable in the fight against cancer. I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m not talking about “Rock You Like A Hurricane” Scorpions, though that would be pretty badass. I’m talking about the kind you put in your little brother’s pillowcase to teach him not to put his dirty hands on your Xbox controller. I’m not one to judge here, however, I can’t help but wonder how just how bad Cuba’s health system is when they turn to prescribing scorpions. Oh well, ten years ago if you had told me old bread could help cure gonorrhea,  I would have laughed at you. Now look at me, I keep a nice moldy loaf in my pants at all times and I’ve never felt better. [scorpions used in cancer treatments]

Mexico has dead bodies and ruthless drug lords, but you know what it could really use? A free Britney Spears concert to remind them that it could be worse. Lucky for the country, that’s exactly what they’re getting this Sunday. Though her album has sold well, Britney’s current Femme Fatale tour through South America has had it’s ups and downs. Just last week, she was bitten by a fan from Brazil. You know what happens when a Brazilian bites you? Anytime there’s a full moon, your vagina transforms in the mythical, hairless Wolfmang. The creature is known to take photographs of itself and send them to former bodyguards. You can’t make this stuff up, people. Check out the video. [free concert & Britney sexts her bodyguard]

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