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This Latin Life: Retiring Bulls and Cuba Finds Religion, Oil

Welcome to “This Latin Life,” a recurring feature in which we bring you the news from south of the border in quick, funny nugget form. Mmm, nuggets…

Here’s an inconvenient truth for gore enthusiasts. This past week, it was announced that Raton – Spain’s most famous bovine – would step away from the world of professional bull fighting (aka Spanish NASCAR) at the end of this month. Having his own website and bringing in a whopping 15,000 euros per fight, the bull has built a career around violently dishing out natural selection to unsuspecting drunk fans, while other drunk spectators cheered on the carnage (hence Spanish NASCAR). Let’s hope this retiring cowpoker doesn’t pull a Brett Favre by bouncing in and out of retirement, or worse, sending photos of his his pene to any sassy heifers.

If the United States learned from the Bay of Pigs, hopefully Cuba learned from Waco. 60-plus Cuban Pentecostal worshipers have been holed up in a church since August 21, claiming that God has been talking to them the entire time. No word on why God has been talking for three weeks straight, but in my experience, if a conversation goes on that long, it probably involves the plot to Game of Thrones, lots of Tequila Cazadores and the occasional daddy issue. Well, whatever is going on, please keep the Flavor Aid away from these guys.

Several billion barrels of oil have been found in a Cuban controlled section of the Gulf of Mexico. Much like a horny frat guy hunched over a hot young woman at a pool table, the U.S. has conveniently found time to lean over Cuba in an effort to help ensure the correct environmental protection techniques are in place to prevent any BP-like premature spill. While that sounds harmless enough, remember this Cuba: though he seems like a nice guy who appreciates the value of “protection,” always keep an eye on your drink. Otherwise you might wake up with a fake number, an empty bank account and belly full of fatherless baby.

Also, because of a relaxation in U.S. embargo limitations, the game of Scrabble is currently finding an enthusiastic home in Cuba. Previously the country could only experience the game in bootleg form, if at all. Hopefully the easing of restrictions between the two countries will allow Cubans to discover other classic capitalist North American boardgames, such as: Ghettopoly, Mall Madness, and the 1924 classic board game, Little Black Sambo (which could already be over there).

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