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This Latin Life: Smuggle Tunnels, Influential Drug Kingpins, And Narcoqueens

Welcome to “This Latin Life,” a recurring feature in which we bring you the news from south of the border in quick, funny nugget form. Mmm, nuggets…

Well border agents, no one’s going to accuse you of thinking your illegals don’t stink. This past week, 5 individuals attempted to use an underground sewage pipe to make their way from Mexico to the U.S. Sadly the ShawSTANK style grab for freedom was thwarted when the crew became stuck, causing border agents to spend 45 minutes digging the immigrants out of their dutch-oven-like entombment. Though traveling through tunnels filled with raw sewage sounds disgusting, in New York, that’s just called “riding the subway.” The only difference here is that there were no masturbating homeless men.

Fact: Latinos are especially skilled when it comes to finding new and delicious ways to trick North Americans into getting explosive diarrhea. I mean, who doesn’t love to eat a plate of tamales sold out of the back of a truck and wash it down with a nice worm-filled glass of mescal? What could possibly go wrong? Well, maybe then it should come as no surprise that in Chicago, day laborers from different parts of South America have banded together to open the Cafe Chicago co-op, an establishment that sells corporate America’s favorite bowel-blasting beverage: coffee (aka White Man’s Catnip). Apparently business is doing well, which is good because all profits go to supporting the Latino Union.

In what could be considered an upset, Mexico’s president – Felipe Calderón – failed to make Forbes’ Most Powerful list. In what could be considered upsetting, Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán made the list…again. At number 55, El Chapo is nestled somewhere between BIll Clinton and Apple’s new CEO Tim Cook. No word on where el presidente placed overall, but I’m sure he’s listed somewhere between Wile E. Coyote and one of Justin Bieber’s fatherless children. Don’t worry Felipe, based on how well Mexico is doing, I’m sure companies like Napster or Enron will have openings for your kind of leadership!

According to a story at Hispanically Speaking, children in Mexico are increasingly shunning traditional hopes and dreams, like being firemen or police officers, for more exciting one, like being drug dealers and assassins. While this might sound alarming, look at it like this: did you become what you wanted to be when you were a child? No. You probably didn’t. So these kids, as much as they want to be assassins, will probably end up like you: playing “Words With Friends,” trying to convince yourself that “jqx” is a word, and wondering why you never became an astronaut.

In what will surely make for a great episode of Intervention one day, former Colombian beauty queen – Angie “narcomodelo” Valencia – has been sentenced to nearly seven years for her role as an Argentinian cocaine smuggler. In my experience, it’s not uncommon for models to smuggle cocaine, however they typically smuggle it off the back of a credit card and into their nose while viciously yelling, “Do you not speaky english? I said this stall is occupied!” Of course Angie claims she’s innocent, and of course I believe her. However, I also believed Casey Anthony, Amanda Knox, and Mary K Letourneau when they said they were innocent. But then again, I do have a type.

This week Chile voted that it was overwhelmingly against the legalization of gay marriage. And who can blame them? I mean, here’s a country that definitely understands the political and economic downfall that comes when several men get stuck deep inside the same hole. Not to make myself unpopular, but I completely agree with idea that marriage is best defined as the union between a man and his property. However, Chile, think about this: if couples are forced to head north for their civil rights, then where do you think North Americans who believe same-sex marriage is wrong will head? What I’m saying is, are you prepared to have cousin-f–king Alabamians migrate to your great country?

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