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This Latin Life: The One Where Nike Moves In To The Historic Cafe Richmond

Welcome to “This Latin Life,” a recurring feature in which we bring you the news from south of the border in quick, funny nugget form. Mmm, nuggets…

Well, times are tough all around. Seems like you gotta have at least two jobs just to break even most days. So can you really blame Aeromexico co-pilot Ruben Garcia Garcia (not a misprint) for attempting to smuggle 93 POUNDS of rowdy powder into Spain? Unfortunately, smuggling cocaine won’t be the resume builder he was hoping for, as he was caught by Spainish authorities. However, one thing is for sure, the flight from Mexico had to have been the safest one ever, as he was probably constantly checking his mirrors and maintaining the proper speed limit during the entire trip.

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Gone are the days of Jorge Luis Borges drinking tea and writing in his note book. Here are the days of arch support? Thanks to Nike, the Cafe Richmond – a legendary Buenos Aires cafe – is being converted into a franchised shoe store! Though Nike promised to maintain the integrity of the building’s landmark facade, that didn’t stop the company from gutting the interior of the historical building Monday morning. This cultural abortion proves the old saying, “commercialism begins at Nike.” Though residents of Buenos Aires have created petitions of protest, it should be noted that if they scare Nike away, half of the children in that country will be out of a job. Totally kidding, Nike. Send me free stuff.

Speaking of corporate pedophilia, Spanish fashion retailer Zara is facing investigation after “unauthorized outsourcing” attracted workers as young as 14-years of age to work at sweatshops in São Paulo factories. Before you human-rights-lovin’ liberals get all bent out of shape, let me first assure you: yes, some employees worked up to 18 hour shifts in unhealthy conditions; and yes, some received almost 200 dollars LESS than Brasil’s minimum wage … Okay, now you liberals can get bent out of shape. But before you get too angry, you should know that Inditex – Zara’s parent company – is owned by Amancio Ortega, the world’s 9th richest man. Anyone with a lick of economics experience knows you don’t get rich by providing people with a fair income, just ask Wal-Mart.

Talk about a switch. In my experience, it’s usually the person with implants who gets paid for tying people up! But seriously, as abductions occur with greater frequency in Mexico, citizens are looking to the company Xega for subdermal GPS chip implantation. In the event of kidnapping, the company claims its doohickey can effectively pinpoint your terrified, and probably soiled location. Also noteworthy, though American engineers have warned the device probably won’t work inside the human body, over 10,000 Mexicans have had the chips installed. Oh well, who can honestly say they haven’t put something inside their body that ended up not working out?

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