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Twitter: Castro’s Modern Strife


by Lucas Molandes

“Revolution is a struggle to the death between the future and the past.” – Fidel Castro

It’s something you’ve probably heard of. You might know someone who has done it. Chances are your kids are doing it right now in a public library, while their friends are watching, cheering them on. The librarian is probably telling them to be quiet, but those kids ain’t listening. They’re busy spreading their evil. What is it? Well, like Eskimo snow, it has many names. But no matter what you call it, it all means the same thing: cyber-bullying. And surprisingly, online warfare is becoming popular with the kinds of people who should be image conscious.

Go ahead and cry, crybaby. No one will ever love you!

Just this week, Fidel Castro’s niece – Mariela Castro Espin – joined Twitter and immediately began bickering online with the foxy Cuban dissident, Yoani Sanchez. I know what you’re thinking, “aren’t world leaders and public figures supposed to set a good example?” Well, for the most part they do set wonderful examples. Right? Remember when Yasser Arafat won the Nobel Prize? He showed that you can’t let something simple like decades of mass murder keep you from winning a Peace Prize. Clearly the beloved Yasser was the Joe Paterno of dictators.

What I imagine/hope Fidel Castro’s niece looks like

Anyway, I can see how this Castro-Sanchez flame war could send the wrong message to the impressionable children who look up to those two knuckleheads, but remember concerned parents: children are idiots who don’t understand subtext. The Sanchez-Castro Twitter battle is actually a wonderful commentary on a greater issue at hand. This conflict highlights the beneficial aspects that occur when people are unable to have a decent face-to-face interaction with their fellow man because social media has destroyed the foundations of human interaction.

Again, I know what you’re thinking, “there are beneficial aspects to the corrosion of basic social interaction?”

A/S/L?

Yes, there are. You see, the less we actually interact with people, the less reasons we’ll have to violently attack one another. 50 years ago, if you crossed someone named Castro in Cuba, chances were you’d find yourself strapped to a Russian warhead while someone poured a pail of Amazonian fire-ants into your mouth. These days, we can hide out in our Twitter bunkers and verbally snipe our enemies until they turn tail and run (to their publicist). Online name-calling is not only more humane, it’s also an environmentally friendly alternative to the destruction that actual war causes. The Youtube comment section wasn’t created to bring out the best in you. It was created to function as a greener pasture where you can verbally napalm the sh-t out of online dissidents and rest easy in the knowledge that you’re barely leaving any carbon footprint.

Settle down, kids. The future ain't all that great.

If history is written by the winners, what we can take away from the Castro-Sanchez fiasco is that online, there are no winners. There’s just a never ending supply of aggression and anger to fuel the hateful comments. What I’m saying is that the Internet is this generation’s Vietnam and the growing decay of our social interaction is this generation’s best chance to create a more hospitable and greener future for those dream-smothering kids of yours. Let’s fight the good fight.

Lucas Molandes is a stand-up comedian that has made appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” and CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show.”

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