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Venezuela Wins 2013 Miss Universe Competition

Congrats to Venezuela’s Gabriela Isler for winning the 2013 Miss Universe competition. For those of you that aren’t Miss Universe enthusiasts, Venezuela is fast becoming the New York Yankees of the pageant circuit, having won three out of the last six competitions. Speaking of baseball, I’ve heard several people question why we call the championship the World Series if only teams in America are allowed to play. The closest thing to an answer might be that people from all over the world – Cuba, Mexico, Canada, etc – play the game. To extend that argument, why do we call it Miss Universe when only people from the Earth are allowed to compete? If we are to have a legitimate Miss Universe competition, I would like to see the following extraterrestrial entrants compete for the title.

Sexy E.T.
E.T. may not be your classic beauty, by Earth’s standards, but what he/she lacks in fashion sense, he/she more than makes up for in getting drunk and being able to make your bike fly away from the feds. Those are skills that would definitely kick ass in the talent portion of the competition.

Alien Queen Mother
Talk about a MILF. But seriously folks, this Xenomorph mother is already a queen so she knows what it takes to wear a crown. And she has thick skin (exoskeleton), which she’ll need if she’s going to be judged among other galaxy beauties. Let’s face it, she’s not the easiest on the eyes, but, if it comes down to it, she can just spray acid on the other women to level the playing field.

Princess Leia
You can’t have a Miss Universe competition without the beautiful, brother kissing Princess Leia. Sure, it’s been years since she rocked a slave bikini body, but in her prime, Leia Organa caused guys like me to spray more than the Orkin Man.

Neytiri has the qualities that any pageant contestant would fight for. She’s tall, she’s slender, and she has a heartwarming tragic story. Oh yeah, she’s also blue, lives in tree, and can have sex relations with her hair. Sadly, I’ve met more than one woman on OK Cupid with those exact same qualities listed in their “About Me” section. Those dates did not go well.

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