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What? Valentine’s Day Is This Week?


Yeah, I forgot about Valentine’s Day. But maybe you did too! Well here we are with two glorious days left to get our act together and buy something nice for that special someone in our life. It’s like they say, better late than never. Unless they’re talkin’ about pregnancy scares. But we’re a month away from all that (yes, Valentine’s Day is the reason home pregnancy test sales go through the roof in March). With two shopping days until red Friday, I now have enough time to actually get something nice for the woman I love. Not like last year when I went dumpster diving for 7-11 roses and paid 75 bucks for a box of questionable chocolates I found on a Craigslist posting. Some people might find my lack of romance detestable, but do you realize how much effort I had to put in just to present my fair lady with those gifts in time? Maybe I could have planned ahead and made reservations at fancy restaurant like Olive Garden, but that would have been too easy. No. It’s like my dad always says, “if you aren’t working for it, then maybe it ain’t really love.”

Joking aside, one of the hardest things to do is give a Valentine’s Day card. Should it be funny? Should it be personal? What do I write? Well, here’s 3 quick tips I’ve picked up over the years.

1. Get a nice card. This one is simple. Nothing flashy or gigantic. That comes across like you’re over compensating for something. You know what I mean. Like when you see a middle aged man in a fancy car. If you got a big heart, you should have no problem keeping it classy and minimal.

2. Write something nice in the card. Okay. You’re not a poet. Neither am I, but here’s what I do when creating a heartfelt message to someone important: I plagiarize. When you have the card you like, look inside a different Valentine’s Day card and copy whatever message is inside of that one into the card you’re actually going to buy. Viola, you’re a poet.

3. No sex coupon. Some people don’t think a nice Valentine’s Day card is enough, so they try to fluff it up with a coupon for sex. That’s like buying a gift for someone that is actually for you. Like when you gave your mom a PS4 for Christmas. Shame on you (me).

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